Dear Jody

Living through her horoscopes

Q:
My girlfriend, “Maggie,” lives – and will undoubtedly die – by her daily horoscope. If she believes that her horoscope wants her to stay in for the day, that’s what she does. (If it is a work day, she goes to work, then hurries back home, not to leave the house again for that day – and waits for her horoscope to give her permission to leave again.) If she reads that something bad is going to happen, she finds something bad that has happened, even if it really hasn’t directly happened to her, like a plane making an emergency landing in the Hudson – with nobody she knows on that plane. I try to tell her that it didn’t happen to her and that it actually turned out great! She told me that it ruined her day and just knowing that it happened had upset her, so it did have a bad effect on her; thus, her horoscope was correct!
A few days ago, she told me that she was going to meet someone very interesting who would be a big influence in her life. She waited all day for that person. As the day was drawing down, she called me and insisted that we go to an event in town because maybe her “important person” was going to be there. (It was an event that she didn’t seem to want to go to before she knew that someone important would be coming into her life.) I said that I wasn’t interested in going and had things I needed to get done. She got irritated with me because she didn’t want to go alone. I stood my ground and didn’t go. The next day when I talked to her, she was really cold toward me. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she never met anyone, so she couldn’t fulfill her horoscope’s promise. I asked her if she had gone to that event the night before. She said that she hadn’t because she didn’t feel comfortable going by herself. She also said that she believed that had I gone with her, she would have undoubtedly found that person who would have brought something important to her life.
I like Maggie a lot, but I don’t like this part of her. We have been going out for about four months. We have much in common and have the very important chemistry as well. But this horoscope stuff is making me uneasy. I say to myself that she has a right to her belief system – as I believe everyone has – but I’m having a hard time granting that to her and I’m not sure why. I’m hoping that you might be able to help me. It is important to me to be open to other people’s beliefs and Maggie sure has some good qualities. I’d like to continue my relationship with her to see where it goes, but honestly, I just don’t know if I am not very tolerant or if I’m feeling something else.
Troubled

A: It doesn’t seem to be so much a matter of tolerance of Maggie’s belief system as it is a matter of her behavior based on her beliefs. Her behavior has a compulsive and controlling nature to it. It seems, from your description, to be quite disabling for her. And, it reaches over and becomes a controlling factor in your life as well (i.e. wants you to do things that you don’t want to do and is upset with you if you don’t). You surely must be feeling pretty controlled yourself by her beliefs. You could talk to her about how controlling it is for her, as well as feeling controlled yourself by it all, but she might have a hard time understanding that she is compulsive, instead of just following her belief system. If you really want this relationship with her, I would suggest you seek couples counseling, that way you make it a couple’s problem and she’s more likely to cooperate. A good therapist will identify her compulsive behavior and help her – and you – deal with it. Good luck.

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