Get a backbone
Q: Jody, I hope you can help me. I’m in a real bind. I’ve been seeing this guy now, “Tim,” for about six months. I like him, but I really don’t see him as a long-term relationship, which is what I’m really looking for. But, since I haven’t seen any prospects, I have just kept seeing him out of not having anyone-else-in-my-mind sort of thing. Now, I know that I should have been more up front with him about this, but I wasn’t. So now, I’m stuck with a situation.
First, let me tell you that I am not an alcoholic, but I did get sort of drunk (he did, too) and did something stupid. I asked this guy to move in with me. I let him think I was more interested in him than I was. I did this after having gotten intimate with him and, in the afterglow of that, I was on a high and made this commitment thing with him.
I was so hoping when I woke up the next morning that he would have forgotten it, but he didn’t! In fact, he was so excited and eager to work out the arrangements. He talked about how he had wondered if we were ever going to get to commitment and didn’t think I was there yet, but was so happy that I was. The headache I had already ballooned into a mammoth oneÑthe size of a blimp. Luckily, I had an appointment that day and needed to get ready and out-the-door. I told him that we would talk about it soon, but not then.
It’s been three weeks now, since that night. (We usually see each other every week.) I’ve been avoiding him like the plague, not answering his phone calls, certainly not calling him back, and not going to places where we usually see each other. I come home nights worried that he’ll be on my doorstep. I even had a nightmare that I had come home and he had moved in. When I get home from work, I get out of my car and rush into the house, hoping he’s not lurking somewhere. This is driving me nuts. I can’t live like this anymore. How do I let him know that I don’t want to have him move in with me?
Afterglow Burnt Out
A: I’d say that you already have told him by not answering his phone calls, not calling him back, and generally avoiding him. But just in case he’s slow to catch on to such things, you could botox your backbone and set up a time to meet with him, let him know what’s been going on with you, and apologize for your bad behavior.
Q: Sorry I have taken so long to write to you about this…I have been meaning to!
When that Deaf man wrote you about his situation last…November, was it? My
roommate immediately handed me the BTL and told me to read your column. We were both moved…me more so than her. (She is only on the outside looking in on the Deaf Community…as an interpreter; I am considered an ally….)
In any case, I’m sure what we both envisioned was this man going to see Joe Kort or a similarly sympathetic gay man, with an LGBT INTERPRETER!!!! I have been in the interpreting field for over 15 years, and I would say the incidence of LGBT interpreters is WAY higher than the percentage of LGBT folk in the general population. (One reason I heard in Interpreting school is that str8 men are NOT encouraged to be expressive with their bodies, while our gay and bi brothers do not respect that restriction from society…).
In any case…. there are 2 (!) LGBT folk on our staff here at DHSC (Deaf, Hearing and Sign Language Center, here in Detroit at 7 mile and Wyoming) and, from what I have seen, Deaf CAN (Community Action Network) up near Pontiac has a similar percentage!
In The Know
A: Thank your for your input. It surely makes sense to get a gay-friendly interpreter so that a person who is deaf could have more choices regarding therapists. You not only gave us more resources, but another way to look at the issue.