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Dear Jody

By Jody Valley

Relax and be yourself

Q: I came out about a year ago at an older age- checked out the Internet, went to some gay groups, bit the bullet and started asking people out. Very little results. I went to a therapist for about 6 months and we agreed that there were no major issues with me.
I am not the most attractive person, but I see many people my weight – I'm a little overweight, but not that much – partnered up. I am not looking for a movie star/cover model for a date, so I don't think I have unreasonable expectations.
Perhaps, I am impatient after waiting for so long, but I don't understand why when you meet people and start up a conversation, and have the nerve to ask for their phone number they don't return calls or are always busy. Why do they give me their numbers in the first place? Also, a great many ads on the Internet talk about "spiritual values, looking for a friend, possible ltr, take a chance," etc.–all these glowing, philosophical type things, and then they don't reply. I won't die if they aren't interested, or if I'm not their type, but isn't it basic courtesy to at least reply?
Everyone complains that there are "no nice people" out there, but then everyone flocks to the "beautiful" people, and then complains about how they are treated.
I have probably answered my own questions, and I just need to keep being persistent in looking, but it seems so unfair. I feel like I am constantly analyzing what to do next, where – and if – I should stand or sit at a function, and what to say, if anything. Why do I always have to initiate conversations? It would be so nice if someone would come up to me for a change, or make eye contact!
If I go somewhere and say little or nothing, no one approaches. If you are too forward or in the mix or, for example, helping the people who organized an event, then I might be too intimidating.
To be sure, I have probably missed SOME. I was at an event once and I had just come out to a friend. I was at a buffet table and a man came up to me and talked at length. He finally left; my friend said, "I think he was hitting on you!" I left the table, ran after him, but I guess he was put off, then. Maybe I should have just come out and asked, "Were you hitting on me?" This after reading all the dating books, and then missing the signals. And he was cute too!
Another thing, I did go on a couple Internet dates. We had hours long telephone conversations. I described myself physically, very truthfully. Then when we met, a couple guys were actually almost rude! Hardly made eye contact, or talked at all.
Nothing ever seems to just happen, it is always analyzing, do I ask this person out? Go out with that person? What to say or do when we go out?"
I truly feel like giving up. This is so difficult. I wonder how people ever find each other, let alone get married (Gay or Straight!) Did I wait too long to try to find love?

A: First, I've never seen you to observe you in a social situation, but when I read your letter (and there was more to the letter than is printed here), I get a picture of a guy who looks a bit sweaty, tense, and needy, i.e. desperate. You also seem to be over analyzing things a lot, are in your head too much, and not sitting back and just taking life in. I'm thinking that if you could just relax a bit, really get involved in events for what they are, and just concentrate on getting to know people–just to know them without romantic expectations; you would present a more inviting picture to others–as well as a special guy. I'm also thinking that you are scaring people off with your intensity, over-thinking of things, and desperation to find a life-partner. Build a more confident, relaxed, going-with-the-flow kind of guy, and that special "HE" will come!

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