By Jody Valley
In search of LTR
Q. I don't know if you can help me, but I sure hope you can. Before I get into the problem, let me give you a little background. I am a 45-year-old male. I am a successful businessman and well respected in the business community. I have the reputation for getting things done, when no one else can. The problem is not in my business life, but in my personal life. In my personal life, I have no friends and I can't keep a relationship. I'm not sure why but when people first meet me they see me as fun and gregarious, but as time goes on they slowly drift away. No one ever says what is wrong or that I am doing things wrong they just start making excuses not to see me any more. It is even worse in relationships. I have never had a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. I do everything for the person. Then pretty soon they are mad at me and go off with someone else. We usually end up fighting a lot, and then they leave. I just don't know what is going wrong. Am I picking the wrong people, or what? Please let me know how I can meet people who want to have a long-term relationship, either as a friend or lover?
Friendless
A. It doesn't sound to me like you are having a hard time getting folks to respond to you, it is more a matter that they don't stay long once they know you. You haven't really given me much to go on in order to understand why you are not able to keep a friendship, or relationship. If this has been happening to you your whole life, have you asked anyone what the problem is? Are there consistent messages that people say before they leave you? Most people don't just up and leave a relationship; they complain about things first. Usually in life we hear the same things said about us from a variety of people–whether it's good or bad. If you keep hearing the same thing, there is probably some truth in it. I'm glad you wrote because the first thing that needs to happen to change is to admit things are going wrong and you want to do something about it. Don't be afraid to ask some of the people about what, in the past, turned them off about you. Then listen and decide if you want to change this behavior. You may need to get into a men's group to see yourself as others see you.
Starting new ventures
Q. I'm starting college soon –at the end of in August–and have a problem. My current girlfriend and I have been living together for the past year or so. Now that I am going off to college, I am looking for other roommates at MSU. My girlfriend is not moving with me as she has a job. We live in the Upper Peninsula so we certainly won't be seeing each other that often. The problem is that she wants me to promise monogamy, and I don't want to make a promise that I can't keep. I think I will be faithful to her, but what if all kinds of new things open up for me?
I have never been around other lesbians other than my girlfriend, and don't even know what is out there. I don't want to hurt "Sherrie." She is already hurt because I am going off to college. She wanted me to wait until later, but I just have to get my education now. I am 23 and she is 28. I know part of what is hard for her is I am leaving and she is stuck in a town with no support system. I have asked her to come with me, but so far she doesn't want to.
How do I leave without ruining our friendship and the beautiful things we have shared? I can't make any promises because I just don't know and I try to always be honest.
Off To School
A. I admire your integrity in not lying to her. There is no way it will be easy because you are going off on an adventure that will improve your life. She is left behind in a place with no support system. You have done all you could by asking her to come with you. Give her time and space, perhaps she'll change her mind and go with you, but if not, there's no more you can do about it. It's one of those forks in the road of your relationship and is difficult for you both.
