By Jody Valley
Take the power away
Q: I am a guy in my late 20s. I just left my girlfriend (of two and a half years) because I finally have accepted my sexuality. My problem is that I told her about my being gay. I wanted to be honest with her about it, but it has turned into a nightmare for me.
Now she is using it against me. She is threatening to tell others. Mostly, though I don't like it, I can deal with it; however, not my parents! She says that I have deceived her, and she's really pissed at me. She certainly has a point. That is, I can see how she feels deceived and I have agreed to her about that. But Jody, I was deceiving myself as well. I didn't want to be gay. I wanted to fit the heterosexual mold! I wanted the house in the burbs, 2.3 kids, the whole enchilada. It's just that the "pretty wife" thing just doesn't do it for me. But I sure tried to make it happen.
I have explained this to her and told her that it was better that I tell her this now before we ended up in my dream in the burbs-that would surely have turned into a nightmare for her someday, as well as for myself. (I don't want things to turn out like that governor from New Jersey!) She doesn't seem to understand or care. She just feels hurt and wants to hurt me, too.
Yesterday, she told me that she would let everyone know about me. As I said, I don't feel ready about that, but I can deal with it-just not my parents, yet. You see, I am an only son. I have two sisters and no other cousins or family that will carry on our family name. I have known from early on that I was the "carrier" of the family name. Even my grandparents and aunts have made that clear to me that I have that responsibility. I know that one day I will need to tell them that that will not be happening, but it is such a big thing in our family that I want to be more prepared, more used to all this myself before I come out to them. I just really need more time.
My girlfriend is telling me that I could change if I wanted to, and that I should go into therapy for help. I know that I can't change; I've been dealing with this a long time and didn't want it. Now, I realize that I am who I am, and am willing to be who I am. I have been to a "coming out" group and am sure now. I don't see how a therapist will change this. My girlfriend says that she will give me two weeks to get into therapy and then, if I don't do that, she will start telling others about me and how deceptive a person I am. So, it is not just that I am gay, it's that I am a bad person and deceptive.
I am at a loss as to what to do. I know I can't go back to pretending to be heterosexual, and I know that I am not even bisexual. I need to face up to who I am, but I am sure sorry I told her and don't know what to do next. Do you have any ideas what I can say to her to change her mind about telling my parents?
Panicked
A: I don't think that there is anything you can say to stop her as she is trying to control you (let's say it like it is, she's blackmailing you.) by threatening to tell your parents. Therefore, if I were you, I would take her power away and would beat her to the punch and tell my parents, ready or NOT! Life has a way of bringing us things to deal with, before we think that we are ready for them. As for what your girlfriend tells others, you don't have any control over that, and people will believe what they want to believe, but true friends will stick by you. Good luck!
