By Jody Valley
Flying alone
Q: I am a little afraid to tell you what is going on with me because I think you might decide I am crazy. I'm not. But I need someone to tell that I trust and I respect.
I guess I will start by telling you I have a diagnosis; I am bipolar. I found this out several years ago. In one way, it was a blessing that I found out, but then they put me on medication and that made all my creativity go out the window. Now, I am stuck between do I want to take my medication and be a zombie or if I don't take it my world falls apart.
My partner wants me to take my medication because she says I am easier to live with, but then when I am taking it I feel dead. Then I get off the meds and I see the world in a whole new way; it is exciting; I am creative and I get tons of things done. The only problem is I always end up crashing and usually end up in the hospital. My sweet love has been very caring and understanding up until now. She has stood by me no matter what. She was always my anchor, but now all of a sudden she wants me to take my medication and stay on it. She says otherwise she will leave me. She says she can't take the mood swings anymore. According to her, the worst part is when I get in a manicy state. I guess my being depressed doesn't bother her even though that is the part I can't stand. What she says is I become irresponsible then, but I think I am just able to focus on what is important in the world. I am not tied down to what is happening in everyday life. I can soar. This is the part I miss most when I am on medication.
I don't know how to explain to her that I feel like I am losing a very important vital part of myself when I am on medication, and I don't know if I am willing to give this up forever. I love her very dearly and I don't want to risk losing her, but I don't want to lose myself either. What do I do?
Enjoy Flying
A. First I want you to know I don't think you are crazy. I think you have a disorder that often needs medication to control. I can understand where you are coming from. I have heard many times that individuals with bipolar disorder don't like taking their medication because they feel they are losing a part of themselves. I also understand your partner wanting you to stay on your medication so you can lead a life that is less hectic and disruptive. You said yourself that you usually crash and end up in the hospital. I can only imagine how hard this is for your partner.
Medication has improved a lot in the last few years. Talk with you doctor about what you experience with the medication that you are taking. See if you can find a new medication or a dosage that will allow you to feel creative, and yet keeps you stable. It might be helpful for you and your partner to get into couples therapy to help you understand where the other person is coming from and make decisions that work for both of you. Good luck.
Love on the cheap
Q. I and my darling lover are planning to have a commitment ceremony this summer. We have been together for years and finally decided that it is important to us to announce our love to the world. To me, it should be a beautiful time to express our undying love to each other and the world. I was so excited because this is what I have always wanted and dreamed of. When James and I used to dream of this day together we had all kinds of wonderful plans, but now it has turned into a horrible fight. I want this time to be perfect, something we will always remember, and he wants everything to be cheap. He says we can't afford to do things up the way I want them. I know we can't on our salary, but I think we should ask our parents to foot the bill. They would if we were straight. He says even if we were straight, we should keep the expense down and pay for it ourselves. He thinks just because we are older and been though college we should plan for what we can afford.
He has tuned into such a sanctimonious shit over this whole thing. I think I deserve the best, and he is willing to settle for a pitiful little party. How do I get him to see things my way? This is really important to me.
Going All Out
A. It's sad that this started out about your love and a commitment ceremony, and ended up a fight about money and plans. I didn't ever hear whether or not either of your parents were willing or could afford to pay for what you are wanting. I also didn't hear what you were planning to do if they can't or don't want to pay. You said this is really important to you, but I'm not sure why. Maybe you should think about what you are getting out of all this, and what is really important. My take on all this is that commitment ceremonies should be about your love, friends and family, and stay within the means of the people involved. It sounds like there surely could be some middle ground here between lavish and cheap. It would be ironic if this commitment ceremony planning ended up breaking you up.
