By Jody Valley
Laughing matter at work
Q: I work in a domestic violence shelter for battered women. We serve over 1,000 women a year. Some women come to our shelter to stay for a period of time and others are seeking group or individual counseling. Sometimes they just want to talk to someone but are not ready to do anything yet. I really love my job because it feels so meaningful to me. I know that we help a lot of women that are in abusive situations. I am out with my co-workers, though with our clients that sort of thing is never mentioned.
We have staff meetings once a week and during this time we discuss clients that have come into the program, treatment plans, goals for each person and problems we have encountered during the week. I find these meetings really powerful for the most part, but there is one problem. When we have a woman come into the shelter that is a lesbian, everyone makes snide little jokes about her. Sometimes I hear these in the hall way, but usually they are made during our meetings. They are always couched as a joke, but I feel it is disrespectful to make fun of peoples living arrangements or sexual preference, or how butch or fem they or their partners are. I know we laugh and make fun of people just to keep from crying at times, but somehow this seems different. I don't know if I am being overly sensitive or not, but it really hurts and it is making it difficult for me to feel part of the group. I find myself just getting quieter and quieter. I'm not sure who I can trust anymore. What do you think I should do, or maybe I shouldn't do anything at all? Perhaps I should just be less sensitive and not mention anything. What do you think?
Feeling Apart
A: I don't think that ignoring that kind of thing is healthy for you or the group. What I would do is talk to one or two co-workers that you are pretty sure will listen to you and are capable of understanding your position. Let them know what is going on and that you are planning to talk with the group about the problem. See if they would be willing to back you up when you talk to the group about your feelings. Describe your feelings just the way that you have told me. Use this as a way to educate people, not condemn them. I am assuming that most individuals would not be working at a battered women's shelter if they did not care about others and would be sensitive to your feelings. It may take some time and reminding, but once you get a few people to understand, it becomes much easier.
Listen rather than talk
Q: My partner, "Harry," and I always get into fights over the smallest stupidest things that you could imagine. Then, we stay mad for what seems like forever. We've been together for four years now, and this has been going on for the past two years.
Last night we got in a fight over what we were having for dinner. Harry claimed that we eat more Italian food than Mexican. He thinks we should eat more Mexican than Italian, since he likes that a little more than he likes Italian. Is this crazy or what?
If this is like past arguments, we will be on the outs with each other for a week, or more. That is, until the next stupid little thing happens and we are off and running again.
This didn't happen in the first two years. I'm wondering if I am with the wrong person, but I love so much about Harry and I don't want this to end, but I also don't want this kind of thing to be what our relationship is about. Do you have any ideas as to how to stop this from happening? It is ruining our relationship.
Tired of Fighting
A: The first two years of a relationship is pretty much the "honeymoon" period – a time of overlooking the issues and just being in love. Now you are in the time when life's differences needs to be worked out. However, in this case, it seems like you both are not addressing the underlying issues that need to be resolved – they exist in every relationship. People who succeed in relationships deal with these issues. However, it seems that you are fighting about small, insignificant things instead of getting to the real issues. I would highly suggest that you seek professional counseling to help you with this process.
