By Jody Valley
Bound to S & M
Q: Jody, I just have one question: How to you deal with someone who spreads lies about you? My ex boyfriend is doing just that!
I live in a rather small community. In other words, things travel like a brush fire in a drought. He’s telling everyone that I am into S & M and that is why he left me. He tells them that he just couldn’t take it anymore. That is not even close to any kind of truth about me. (I am not bad-mouthing S & M; I’m just saying that I’m not into it.)
I have no idea why he’s doing this. We broke up after five years. It was really about his running around and not being faithful to me. I’m the one who couldn’t take it anymore. He kept telling me he would change, but he never did. The last straw with him was when he brought the guy home and wanted a threesome. (He was drunk at the time, and I guess thought I would forget about it in the morning Ñ like he did.) However, I haven’t gone around and talked about that. I have just told people that we had our differences and felt that we no longer wanted to be together. Other than that, I have refused to go further with it, thinking that was the best way to deal with our break-up.
Then, two days ago, I ran into a guy who, after making some rather lewd remarks to me, finally came out with the S & M thing. I was shocked, then horrified! I could not understand why he would be saying something like that, something so untrue. I also don’t understand that when it was he who was running around and caused the break-up, he blames it on me. I kicked him out for playing around on me, and this is what I get. Go figure!
On The High Road, Alone
A: You could confront him on his lies. That may shame him into stopping, but you can’t count on that. Otherwise, if I were you, I’d continue to walk the high road, but maybe modify it a bit by telling others what he is saying about you and that it isn’t true, and then go on with your statement about having differences, adding that you don’t find it appropriate to make it a public matter.
63 days and counting
Q: It’s 2 a.m. and I’m sitting up, staring at the TV, and wondering where my ex-girlfriend is and when she will be home. I know I shouldn’t be up wondering and worrying, but I can’t seem to help it. We broke up about 63 days ago. We are still living together because we both own the house and haven’t sold it yet. She lives downstairs, and I have the upstairs. We share the kitchen and family room and such. Most of the time, the arrangement works out well for me. It doesn’t bother me to see her and be with her, sometimes we even cook together. In fact, I like our times together.
Sally broke up with me because she wanted to date other women. We had been together for three years, and she decided that she just wasn’t ready to be committed forever. I know that part of the problem was me. I was so busy with my job, I just didn’t have the time for her, and she got bored with always being alone. I didn’t think it would bother me, her dating other women and all, because I knew we were both not feeling the same passion we did when we first got together. But it does bother me. When she is out, I am like a caged lion. I just pace and can’t seem to think of anything but what she might be doing, and who she is with. I get obsessed with her. It seems so stupid that I can’t just go on with my life and let her go on with hers. I don’t want to sell the house because I really like our house and can’t afford to buy one on just my income alone. Do you have some advice on how I can get on with my life and not be bothered by what Sally is doing?
A: I can’t say that I do, not as long as you are still living together. You say it doesn’t bother you and, yet, you know it has been 63 days since you broke up, you sit up nights worrying about her and wondering who she is with, and you enjoy your time with her. That doesn’t sound like someone that doesn’t care.
Usually we need some time and space when we break up in order to get over the hurt and on with our lives. I would guess that your living together keeps you from doing this. It sounds like it might even keep you from really admitting to yourself that you have broken up, at least until she goes out on a date. If you really want to get on with your life, you will need to find your own place and start the healing process.