By Jody Valley
Love of a death grip
Q: I'm dating a woman, "Cheryl." I think this could be a very serious relationship because I feel that she is my soul mate. (In fact, I think we were together in a former life.) We get along (or used to) and see things so much alike and we enjoy doing the same kinds of things. And more importantly, I love her!
The problem is that she is so jealous. She thinks that I am either flirting with or involved with just about every cute woman. We can be out to eat and she sees a waitress that she has decided I have a thing for, or my friends, or my co-workers, or whoever! At first, it didn't bother me that much. In fact if I'm honest about it, I think I was a little flattered by it. It sort of felt like love. But now, it is more like pain to me. I'm so tired of explaining things and not really being believed, or knowing that we'll go through it again in an hour, or the next day. Believe me, Jody, I am not involved with anyone else, interested in anyone else, or looking at women!
I feel like I am about to lose my mind over this. Yesterday was the last straw and just another example of what happens: Cheryl and I were at a party. She followed me around like a snipping Pomeranian, under foot. Every time we started up a new conversation with someone, she'd make a feeble excuse to move on to someone else Ñ then literally pull me away. I asked her why she was doing this, and she said "that the woman had something" for me. (Mind you, she thinks all these women were trying to pick me up! I should be so lucky in life.) I told her to get a grip on herself, that she was out of line. I had just had it with her and lost it. I told her to just go home that I didn't want her around. She yelled at me that I was a "whore" and that she was done with me. I was so humiliated by this whole scene that I left shortly after she did and went home.
Two hours later she was at my door. First, she asked me to forgive her, which I did Ñ stupidly. Then a few hours later, she started up again. She told me that she loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me, and that is why she acts like she does. It is hard to know what to say to that, except I know that I don't like that behavior and it doesn't feel loving, anymore. Actually, that's pretty much what I told her, but she didn't seem to take it in. She was more trying to get me to see how that was a loving thing, and that she couldn't help who she is, and that I should understand and, basically, put up with it all. I ended up telling her that she needed to go home because I needed to think about things. I know that panicked her, and I don't mean to be mean to her, but I just need some space to think.
I just don't know where to go from here. I know that deep down, I love her. She says she loves me. I feel like there is a reason for us to be together in this lifetime, but again, I just don't know where to go from here with her. I feel like I'm suffocating in this relationship. Do you have any advice for me?
Being Loved to Death
A: Cheryl's "love" is not healthy, either for her or for you. What you may need to do in this lifetime with her is learn to send her away Ñ until she gets healthy Ñ in order to save yourself. Her job is to get healthy. I would suggest that you tell her that you can't consider being with her until she is healthy; perhaps that's what she needs from you, in this lifetime.
