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Dear Jody

By Jody Valley

Expecting something

Q: I need a little advice. I have been dating "Sara" for about three months. For the most part, things are going pretty well between us. We have a lot in common: we both like to hike, kayak, go to plays, enjoy sports, eat out, etc. She is probably the nicest girl I have ever dated. She is so kind and considerate, sometimes it almost scares me. I have been mostly the aggressor in this relationship. I have taken her out to many nice places. I call her almost every day. I have spend quite a lot of money on her. When we are together we have a great time.
The problem is she won't go to bed with me and I think she is just playing games. She says that she does not get intimate with a person until she knows that the relationship is going to be long term and significant. That is the craziest thing I ever heard. Quite frankly, I have never heard of a gay person worrying about that. It sounds so heterosexual to me. I think she is just playing me along so I will keep doing nice things for her and buying her things. I have another woman who is interested in me and will go to bed with me, now. I'm trying to decide if I should just forget the whole thing with Sara (even though I like her a lot) or should I try to get Sara to go to bed with me so we can stay together?
Looking for Sex
A. I don't know why you think Sara is playing games with you; it seems to me she is being honest with you and true to herself by telling you that she is not ready to be intimate with you.
If there is anyone playing games, it seems to me that it is you. You say she should go to bed with you because you are doing all nice things for her, spending money on her and calling her. Since when does that mean someone owes you sex? Perhaps it is time for you to let Sara know what your agenda really is so she can decide whether or not she wants to spend anymore time and effort with you.

Balance needed

Q. I have a boyfriend who tells me that drinking diet soda is worse for me than eating a candy bar. He thinks he is an expert on everything! He tells me what I should eat, how I should dress, how I should talk to others, what I should talk about – I could go on and on. I am so sick and tired of his thinking I don't have a brain in my head.
Why do I stay with him you ask? Well it's a long story but I will just summarize: A couple of years ago my life fell apart. I lost my job, my house, and ended up filing for bankruptcy. Then I ended up in the hospital and had surgery. I felt so down and out. I didn't think I would be able to live through the whole thing. I just wanted to go curl up and die. Well, John saved my life. He took me in and nursed me back to health. He gave me a place to live in his home and helped me start up my own business. I owe him everything but his bossiness is driving me crazy.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because I feel guilty and I really think that I do love him, but I am just tried of his bossing me around.
Bossed Around
A: Don't give up on your relationship, yet. He was just what you needed when you were down and out. It sounds like you needed someone to take over your life for awhile and get you back on track. It's just that you are now in a different place and don't have the same needs in your relationship anymore. Let him know that you need the relationship to change, give him specific things that you would like him to stop doing as well as letting him know what kind of support you need. Be patient, it's not easy to change. It will take some time to bring the relationship back into balance. (If he doesn't want to change the dynamics of your relationship, then that entirely different story and you may want to move on.)

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Topics: Opinions
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