By Jody Valley
Responding to ‘Confused’
Readers: In another issue, “Confused” wrote in about a failed relationship and the sorrow of seeing his ex with another person, as he had been hoping to possibly get back together. Having read that letter in BTL, Confused’s ex has written in a response to confused. I don’t usually publish this sort of thing, but this response sounds so very mature. It would be great if everyone could come out of a relationship in this way-taking responsibility and learning from it; I’m impressed.
A few months ago you told me that you had moved on and you were seeing other people. You claimed to be happy with the end of our relationship. You told me I was living in the past, and you seemed surprised by the fact that I still had not let you go.
It took me a long time to move on. Broken hearts heal more slowly for some than for others. Had you mentioned (in that early May phone call) that you had been thinking about reconciliation I would have jumped at the chance. I didn’t give up on us until I was sure that you had.
The end can’t be blamed on one person? If anything we’re both at fault. We both have flaws; we made mistakes. We both seem to have learned from them.
I’m impressed by your acknowledgement of the mistakes you made. I spent a lot of time thinking about mine as well. It seems we’ve both grown a bit. I’m happy, and I’m happy for you.
Congratulations on all your recent accomplishments! I’m sure we’ll see each other around. But I think the best thing for us is to move forward with our lives. We can’t go back. Remember all the great times we had, and learn from the bad.
~ The Source of Confusion
My friend is too sexual
Q: My friend, “Bob,” goes around talking and acting so incredibly sexual. Sometimes, I wonder if he has anything else on his mind but sex, like everything seems to him to be about sex. This gets really old when we are together and I have told him so. He says that I’m “inhibited” and need to loosen up. Jody, I’m not inhibited; I just don’t find everything in this world to be sexual. Besides, I know that other friends of his have told him the same thing.
The other day, I saw Bob and he was all upset because he had been fired from his job. He says that his boss said it was because he was so sexual acting and that a lot of the employees were upset with him. Bob told me that his boss had warned him before but that he didn’t think he was being so sexual. So, he didn’t see any need to change anything. Now, he wants to file a suit against his employer and claim discrimination because he feels that it is because he’s gay.
It is hard for me to even support Bob in this and I told him so. I also said that I didn’t think it had anything to do with being gay that it was because he was just too plain sexual about almost everything. That made Bob really upset with me, and he again mentioned that I was just too uptight when it came to sex and so was the world. He now is mad at me and says that I am no friend. I don’t understand how he can be upset with me or expect me to be supportive of him when I have complained about this very thing.
I don’t get it, do you?
Siding with the Boss
A: The only thing I can think of is that Bob doesn’t take other people’s feedback very well. Perhaps he’ll learn something this time now that he has lost a job because of it, but don’t count on it. His wanting to sue his employer doesn’t speak well to his ability to learn from mistakes.
Have a problem? Send your letters to: “Dear Jody,” C/O Between The Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected]
Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The “Dear Jody” column appears weekly.