By Jody Valley
Safe family space
Q: This has been a long hard year for my family and me. People say that adversity brings people closer, but in my family that hasn't been happening. It seems to be doing just the opposite, making us further apart and less understanding of each other.
This last year my partner lost her job and has not been able to find another one. Our youngest child was diagnosed with childhood diabetes, which has been devastating to us because we can't seem to get it under control and we just wonder if she will ever be able to lead a normal life. I had a car accident and broke my leg as well as getting pretty banged up. My mother recently died after a long illness.
The problem is that we aren't supporting each other as a family. My 14-year-old daughter has turned into a monster who only wants to deal with what is going on in her life, not what is happening in the family. My son, who is 10, has withdrawn and seems very depressed. He mostly plays on his computer and I can't get him to go out and play with his friends. Because of the diabetes my youngest child who is 6 doesn't feel good, refuses to eat, and cries a lot. My partner has become more and more aloof and angry since she has lost her job.
I am at wits end because I need everyone's support to get through all of this, and instead they are just making more work for me. I know you will say get counseling, but we just don't have the money since all of this is going on. What can I do to bring our family back? We used to be so close and loving and now we are just all in our own little separate world.
A: You and your family are dealing with a tremendous amount of loss and grief right now. My guess is you are all pretty scared of what is going to happen. At this point, it sounds like everyone is doing what he or she can in order to cope.
You are right, my first suggestion would have been to get into family counseling. I do understand that can be expensive so let's look at some things your family can do on its own.
The first step to bringing your family back together is making sure there is a safe place for everyone to be heard and to be understood. I would suggest that you all sit down and talk about how each of you is feeling right now. It is important that you establish before hand that everyone else just listen and not judge or comment on the speaker's feelings or thoughts. Try having a "talking stick." The person who speaks holds the talking stick, and only the person with the stick can speak. The person with the talking stick keeps talking until s/he's done, then passes it on to someone else. (This will probably need to go on for more than one session.) Make sure no one is saying: "You shouldn't feel that way," or "that's not true," or anything else that will stop the flow. Later, you can make sure to explain things to the children if they are worried about things that, say, won't happen, or their information is wrong, or you just want to give information they might need. Often just opening up these doors will help with healing within a family.
There are also some free resources out there. One would be to join into a support group for childhood diabetes. This can be a great place to receive support as well as gain information on how others are handling this disease. Try to get your children involved in some outdoor or school activities they enjoy. If you belong to a church check and see if they offer any counseling services. Many times these will cost little or nothing if they are available.
Lastly, but one of the most important things, is to nurture your relationship between you and your partner. Take time out for each other, plan dates, do small loving things for each other. You and your partner's relationship is the foundation for your family.
