By Jody Valley
Q: I was with a man for three years. We were married for nine months when things went bad. It was my fault. I did not treat him very well. In fact I treated him like crap.
I love him so much. He is everything I want in a man. He loves me, too, but cannot forget the past. I cannot blame him for this. I want so much to start dating again so we can see if there is anything there. He wants to see me, but have no intimate relations at all.
I feel that if we were close it might help bring us closer to each other. I have hurt him so much. At times, I cannot believe what I did to him. He wants time to see things through. He wants to make sure that the changes I have gone through are real. I know I have to earn back his trust and love. So I want to give him all the time he needs.
Do you have any idea of what I can do to show him I have changed? Do you think that being close with each other would help us develop a new relationship?
God I love him so much. I just want him to know that I am sorry and just want him to see me with the changes. What can I do?
Mr. Mess Up
Q: It seems like you want me to tell you that you and your former partner should be intimate in order to "develop a new relationship." I am willing to believe that you are sincere, but I also believe that you are horny and want my help in taking care of that condition. But, if you, even more, want the relationship back, I would advise you to keep your fly shut and pay the price for your former behavior. It takes time, and good and sincere behavior to get someone to believe in your changed ways. If you are truly sincere, you'll be able to wait for sex, until he's ready.
A: I hope you can help me with my problem. I am probably the most fortunate gay man on the planet. I have never lost a single loved one because of my homosexuality. I am out to all of my family and friends and each and every one of them has been supportive and loving towards me since the day I came out. But seven years after coming out, I still don't know any more gay people than I did when I was in the closet and I have had the exact same number of romantic relationships: ZERO.
Part of it is my fault. Despite the support system, it took me a few years to deal with my homosexuality and accept it. But I'm at the point now, as I have been for the last two years, where I am finally comfortable enough with myself that I would like to meet more gay people and even get a boyfriend. But unfortunately, it seems the most practical place to meet other gay men is at a bar or a club.
I've never been big on going to clubs. They just don't interest me that much. I have been to a few gay clubs alone AND with a group of friends (all of which are straight), but I never really enjoyed myself. Besides, the loud music makes meeting people not only awkward, but also extremely difficult when you have to scream just to be heard.
Maybe my taste is just boring. I would much rather go to a movie or goof around with friends during my free time, but that won't help me meet too many people. I am 25 years old, and I already feel like I have missed out on so much.
Are there any suggestions you have for me on meeting gay guys, elsewhere, or do I have no other choice but to go to smoky bar and hope for the best?
Okay, But Alone
A: Gay people are found in places other than bars and clubs. You could get involved in political gay groups, religious and social organizations. You can find some of these activities in Between The Lines, or on-line. It is always easier to meet people when a task is involved other than in a bar or party situation. When you are involved in a task, you get involved with others and have something to talk about, unlike the social scene where conversation can be difficult. In a task situation, you start getting to know other. Even if you go to a gay-friendly church, you need to get involved with groups that are involved in some project in order to connect with others.
