By Jody Valley
Q: First, let me give you a little background before I tell you my problem. I am a 24-year-old dyke who attends college, and I live with my parents. I have a job and I am active in the women’s community. I have lots of friends and enjoy life quite a lot. The problem is that I can’t seem to stay interested in a woman long enough to have a relationship. I am mostly attracted to what I call virgin dykes, those that don’t know that they are dykes, yet. I love to get a woman that is unhappy in her relationship with a man and show her what love is all about.
I don’t really go out looking for this type of woman, but they just seem to show up. Once they get to know me, they trust me and are attracted to me. I want you to know that I would never force myself on a woman that wasn’t interested or anything like that. I just seem to be able to tell when a woman wants me and maybe doesn’t even know it. I see myself as a great liberator. With me women are able to experience love in a totally new and safe way.
My problem is that I can’t seem to stay interested in anyone long enough to have a relationship. I desperately want to be with someone so we can build a life together. I want a home and kids. I want a family. How do I find someone stimulating enough for me to stay interested in them? I seem to always be looking for something or someone new. But that really isn’t what I want.
Ready for Longtime Love
A. Perhaps you should be more honest with yourself; we do what we value, which is not always what we say we value. Maybe you just think it sounds better to the world that you want a family and a longtime relationship. Quite frankly, you sound like you are quite into your current relationship pattern. If you want something different, you are going to have to really want it and change your behavior. Rather than seeing yourself as a “great liberator,” you might want to start seeing yourself and behaving like a person who wants a long term relationship.
Stemming the rise
Q. I am an exercise nut. I do weights, aerobics, kickboxing and play various other sports. I belong to a local exercise club that several of my friends also go to. I’m not sure how to say this delicately, but when I am in the dressing room with other men at various stages of dress, I get visibly aroused. It doesn’t matter to me if the men are gay or straight. I get turned on.
I try not to look. More often than not, just imaging who is standing next to me and imagining how they must look will spring me to action well, ready for action anyway. This is so embarrassing. I run and take a cold shower, but that doesn’t last long. Pretty soon it’s back. It’s getting so I don’t even want to go to the gym. I’m afraid a straight guy might notice and pick a fight with me. To top it off, my friends have noticed and started making fun of me. They taunt me at the gym locker room, and I am the butt of jokes at parties and in the bar. What do I do besides give up exercising?
A. The first thing that comes to my mind, assuming you don’t want to stay away form the gym, is: just stay away from the dressing room. Go to the gym dressed to work out, and then go home in your gym clothes to shower and change there. That way you won’t need to worry about being aroused. The other thing you might do, is come up (sorry) with some visualizations that would combat your arousal situation, like: seeing yourself in the dentist chair, thinking about the last time you were very sick, or picturing yourself being physically harmed by some homophobic straight guy who is upset about what’s going on with you.