All alone
Q: Before I get into my problem, first of all let me tell you a little about myself: I'm a 32-year-old woman. I have been teaching second grade for eight years; I am a good teacher and love my job. I was even voted Teacher of the Year at my school last year. I have been in a committed relationship for five years with a woman I'll call "Ellie." Everything is fine in our relationship. Ellie and I get along great, even though we don't have much time together – she works long hours and travels quite a lot. Ellie got a promotion last year so now she is a lot busier with work than she used to be.
Ellie and I bought a house together four years ago; it was a fixer-upper. For a couple of years after we bought our house, we spent almost all our spare time fixing it up, and finally finished last year. Other than just maintaining things, we don't really have anything else we need to do to the house. We don't have a lot of friends, now. We used to have more, but we just don't seem to go out much anymore, and have lost touch with people. We quit socializing when we became so busy with fixing up our house. Now it seems like it is just easier to stay home than to go out.
As you can see, everything is really fine in my life. But despite not having any real problems, I am lonely. I come home after teaching all day and spend my evenings doing things around the house, work on preparation for my next day's classes, and after that I usually I read or watch TV, then go to bed. If Ellie is home I pretty much do the same thing. The next day it's the same thing all over again.
One of the things about teaching is there's little time to socialize with other teachers during the day. All the teachers are so busy with the kids or doing their planning, that we usually don't talk about anything other than what is going on in the classroom. The rest of the day I am with 7 year olds, which is fun but doesn't fulfill my need for adult conversation or socialization.
Because everything is good in my life, I feel guilty about feeling bad about my life. However, thinking about living the rest of my life like this is depressing to me.
Am I just a complainer? Do I not know when life is good?
Lonely
A: Feelings are just feelings, nothing to feel guilty about. But feelings can be warning calls to us – to change things, do what we need to do in life – if we'll take them seriously. Reading your description of your daily life, I can understand why you feel lonely, as you have little adult interactions during your day. And even when Ellie is home, it doesn't seem like you talk much or do anything together. In addition, you have very little going on in your life, other than your teaching. In five years you have gone from being in a new relationship, buying a house with Ellie, fixing up your house, interacting with friends, having Ellie around every day, to coming home from work, sitting around home, reading and watching TV.
It's important in life to have things we're enjoying on a daily basis, as well as have things to look forward to. I don't see this in your life. (Though you are lucky to love your job, you need something outside your work as well.)
Spend some time thinking about what you want your life to look like. What kind of changes would you like to see happen? Tell Elle what you have shared with me. See how she is feeling about your life together, as well as her own life. Let her know what you would like your time together to be like, and see what she'd like too. After you have a picture of what you want, spend time mapping out what you need to do to get there. It will take time to get your life in a way that pleases you, but with some time and effort, you'll get there.
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