Q: I have been dating this guy "Steve" for eight months, and we were getting along pretty well. Our sex life is incredible. We have everything going for us. Out of bed, we dig each other and love to go dancing, to the movies, out to eat, and so many other things we enjoy together.
I really like Steve's parents and I know that they like me too. (Steve hasn't met my parents, but that has nothing to do with him or our relationship, just that my parents aren't accepting of me being gay.)
The problem is that Steve thinks I have an "anger issue." That's how he puts it. I don't think that I do. He says that if I don't do something about "my anger," our "future is limited." Get this: He said that he wouldn't give up our sex life, but would give up being out in public with me or moving in together as we had planned to do when both our leases were up next February.
Of course, when he told me that, I really got mad. Like, he wants me for his sex toy now and then, but will not go out with me or live with me?
Steve thinks that I should go to counseling or anger classes. I think maybe he shouldn't make me so angry by saying stuff, like, "He won't live with me next year, and he only wants me for sex" – not that I don't enjoy the sex, I do. But Steve just doesn't get it that he makes me mad.
Jody, it's not that I don't get angry – hell, everyone gets angry; there's lots to be angry about in this world. So what am I supposed to do, pretend like things are all wonderful and OK?
Pissed
A: I think there is a lot here that you are not telling me – such as, how you handle the anger that you are feeling. You've said nothing about that, and I would guess that is what Steve is most upset about – though being around a constantly angry person is extremely wearing.
What do you do with your anger?
Do you yell and/or become verbally abusive toward Steve or others?
Do you become physically violent toward inanimate objects? Punch things? Kick doors? Or do you take out your anger physically toward other living things, like animals – or maybe Steve? My guess is that you are both verbally abusive as well as physically acting out your anger.
It's pretty telling when Steve says that he doesn't want to be out in public with you. I'm afraid I think that you are the one who is not "getting it."
Have you asked others what they have observed, behaviorally, regarding your anger? Though, I'm not sure how truthfully they would be, especially if they have ever felt victimized by your anger. But somehow, somewhere, I have to believe that you have heard from other sources that your anger is over-the-top and played out inappropriately.
If you accept that you do have anger issues, I recommend that you get to the bottom of your anger. (Yes, everyone gets angry, but most of us wouldn't be described as an "angry person.")
Basically, you have two aspects to your anger that you need to deal with: Why are you so angry, so often? And secondly, learn how you can deal with your anger in a healthy way, rather than a toxic way that interferes with your relationships and your life in general.
I'm back agreeing with Steve again. You need counseling. There are also anger management classes that could benefit you. If you take action now, you'll someday be glad you did, instead of living a life of self-destruction due to your anger.
We all get angry, for sure; it's even healthy, at times, to be angry. However, anger that's out of control rules a person's life and relationships. Take a five-minute anger test by going to Facebook/Dear Jody Valley.
