Q:
I'm a mess. That's the short of it, so now I'll try to tell you the long of it. I was with this guy, "David," 10 years ago. It was a relationship, but not exactly a partner-type relationship, if you know what I mean. Sexually, it was like David's booty call. But it really was more than that because David and I talked a lot and were intimate about our lives. I have to say that I wanted more from David, like I feel like he is my soulmate, but he has commitment issues.
OK, so about six years ago I moved to Detroit from another state. I have stayed in phone contact with David, and have visited him and my other friends at least once a year. Early on in my visits, we did the booty-call thing, but in the last few years, I realized that it wasn't good for me to do that, so I just visited David.
As far as my phone contacts are concerned, we have gone through periods of calling weekly, sometimes monthly, sometimes longer than that. I probably call a little more than he does, but believe me, he calls. Not only that, but he has, at times, indicated that maybe we do belong together. But it is usually followed up by a call where he denies that he wants to get together. We both have dated during this time; neither of us has had a serious relationship.
Two weeks ago, I was planning on one of my visits – I always do it around my birthday. I had my airline tickets and was ready to go. A couple of days before I was scheduled to leave, a friend of mine called me to let me know that another friend of mine, "Jorge," was dating David. He knew this would be upsetting to me and didn't want me to walk into it when I came, not knowing about it.
Jorge knows how much I love David! I have confided in him on many occasions. All my friends know about my painful relationship with David. I feel so betrayed by Jorge, and my friend who called understood how betrayed I feel about Jorge dating David. He said that all my friends understand it.
I decided to call Jorge and tell him what I thought of him for dating David since he knew only too well how it would feel to me. So, I called him.
I could tell that he knew that he was wrong, especially in the beginning. But as our "conversation" continued, he just became defensive and finally ended up mad at me! He said that he had every right to date David as it had been a long time since we were together, and he also said that David was mad at me, too. I didn't believe him that David was mad.
Then David called; he was mad at me. He said that I needed to let him go, and he basically denied that I ever was important to him. Jody, I know I was important to him, even if he wasn't ready to have a relationship. In fact, I believe I still am important to him; he just got mad because I found out about Jorge and got upset about it. By the time I got off the phone with David, he had me in tears. He said that we shouldn't talk or have any kind of relationship, at this time.
I just don't know how I can handle David not being in my life. He has been so important to me and a real support. When my mother got cancer, he was there for me. He even said he'd come to visit me if I need him to. There have been other times that he has been there for me. He has been such a comfort to me in my life. My friends here in Detroit say that I need to let him go and that I shouldn't see him. They don't think the relationship is good for me. They just don't seem to understand. I want to fight to get David back in my life, and I just mean as a friend, not a lover. What's so wrong with that? What do you think?
Unrequited Love
A: I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm with your Detroit friends. You are hanging on to David in an unhealthy way. Though you believe that you just want a long-distance friendship, I think that you are, probably unconsciously, hoping that David will want a partnership relationship with you someday. In my opinion, you need to move on for you own sake. I know that this time is hard for you, so I recommend you see a therapist. A therapist can help you sort out your feelings for David. Even if you remain convinced that you should fight for David, I hope you will seek counseling. Good luck, and let me know how it goes. I care.
