by Jody Valley
Q: I've been involved with "Lisa" for almost five months. Both of us have had bad relationships in the past and have been moving slowly with each other. We don't want to repeat past mistakes. So far so good; we get along very well, enjoy the same kind of things, and have a lot of fun together. For my part, I've gotten to love so many things about Lisa. She's very sincere, but also has a great sense of humor. She's smart, responsible and not a drama mama – that last one is important to me, as my ex was so into the drama.
The other night Lisa made dinner for me at her place. It was very romantic. Lisa had cooked a gourmet dinner for me. She had candle, mood music, the works! I've never had anyone make me this kind of a dinner before. It was spectacular. I felt pampered, loved and courted – if I can use an old-fashioned word. (It was a surprise; I thought I was picking her up to take her out for dinner.)
We agreed early on to hold off on having sex. We wanted to make sure that it was part of our love, not just part of our lust. The dinner and candle light set a background for both of us to tell the other that we loved each other. No surprise, we made love that night.
That's also when I found out that Lisa cuts herself. Up until that night, I had never seen her bare arms as she always wore long sleeves. It never occurred to me to wonder why she never wore shorter sleeves. It's been winter and spring and it has been pretty cold since we've been together.
When I saw the scars on her arms, I thought something horrible happened to her. Then I was horrified when she told me she did that to herself – she actually cuts herself. When I asked her why she did that to herself, she said that she wasn't sure why, but she did it when she felt upset or under a lot of stress. She said that she has been seeing a therapist and feels like she's getting better, but that she still does it now and then.
I'm certainly not upset that she sees a therapist. It's my belief that most everyone needs to do some work on her- or himself, and I'd rather be with someone who has been in therapy than someone who should but hasn't. (I went into therapy after my last break-up.) However, I have to say that this cutting stuff is pretty scary to me. I don't know what I would do or if I could take it if she cut herself around me.
Cutting or no cutting, I know that I love Lisa, though we are still going to take things slow, like no moving in at this time, give it a year or more. We both agree to that. But, I just don't know how to deal with Lisa doing this to herself. I've never heard of this, and I don't know what to do with it.
As I said, this isn't a deal breaker, but I need to know how to deal with Lisa around this issue, and I'd like to know more about it so maybe I could be helpful to her.
Befuddled and Horrified
A: Since your relationship has gone up a notch, and you appear to be on the way to working toward commitment, I think it would be a good idea if you went with Lisa to one of her counseling sessions with the idea of finding out and understanding more about Lisa's problem. Getting involved with her, you need this information. In order to do this, Lisa will need to agree to this and set up a specific session with her therapist for just dealing with your relationship with her. Don't expect or ask to know all the details of her life and how this all came about; let her tell you as she's ready and wanting to talk about it. Your emphasis should be on how this affects your relationship with her, not her past history.
I will also put on my Facebook page a link to some general information about cutting and self-harming behaviors. You might want to read up on it, even before you see her counselor.
Do you know someone who cuts him- or herself? Go to Dear Jody Valley on Facebook to find a link that will help you learn more about this behavior.
