Dating my friend's ex
Q: I have a question for you, but first let me tell you what happened. I have had a good friend for as long as I can remember; his name is Sean. He and I were in grade school together, went through high school and even attended the same college. We even came out pretty much at the same time, to each other first, then to the world. We've been best friends, but never lovers. That's "us" in a nutshell.
Sean dated and actually lived together for awhile with a guy named "Jim." They were never really suited for each other, and it was a pretty stormy relationship. Sean and Jim broke up one year and 10 months ago. The break-up wasn't pretty, but it was complete, as far as I can tell. Both of them have said that it is definitely over.
Two weeks ago, Jim and I ran into each other in a bar, hit it off and began dating. I didn't tell Sean that I was dating Jim. I wasn't sure at the time that it would go anywhere, so why say anything until I knew, one way or the other. Well, that was a mistake because Sean found out through another person that saw us at the bar. Sean called me and was rip-roaring mad. He said the very least I could've done was to tell him – then he indicated that I should really have "asked him" if it was OK for me to date his ex.
I asked him what he would have said, like would it have been OK? Not that I think that I have to ask him to be able to date another man, even if it is his ex. He hemmed and hawed and admitted that he would have asked me not to date Jim. I asked why, and he said because it would hurt. He said that it wasn't because he wanted Jim back. Because he didn't. He really couldn't tell me why it bothered him or why it hurt, just that it did.
I guess that he just doesn't want me to have Jim, though those are not his words, just what I'm guessing is the issue for him. Sean says that he doesn't know how he'll ever be able to hang out together again. It would just be too uncomfortable for him. (Jim says that it wouldn't bother him – if we, Sean and I, hung out.)
Jim and I have really only dated twice (I'm calling the bar night our first). We had lunch a week ago, and he'll undoubtedly call me again. At this point, there's nothing really between us, and I'm not sure it will go anywhere.
OK, so here's the question: Do you think that it is fair for Sean to be mad and upset with me for dating someone he was with and doesn't want? Also, I'm not that invested in this relationship with Jim, so should I give it up before I might be? Even though I think it's unreasonable and unfair, I value Sean and don't want to lose him as a friend.
Dating My Friend's Ex
A: It's not about "fair" or "not fair." It is about feelings that are much more complicated then the "facts" of your situation. It is not rare, at all, for a person to not want his/her friends to date an ex. And the emotions of anger and hurt are not uncommon.
Sean's feelings come from – at least partially – his thoughts of "how could you date someone who was so awful to me; I'm your friend." In other words, to him, it's a loyalty issue. Another question in Sean's mind could be: If you find Jim wonderful, what does that say about me? And Jim might talk about me, and probably not in a good way.
A relationship is never really over in the sense that a person always has feelings for, of some sort, the person they've been involved with. It's a human condition – though some people suffer more than others in this regard.
