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Dear Jody: Help me come out

Q: My story is really too long to tell; it spans over 40 years of self-denial and people-pleasing. To make this long story short, I've denied being me by trying to fit into the mold that my parents, friends and society said that I should fit into. That has taken a toll on me, and I long for freedom.
My freedom will start with telling my adult daughter that I am bisexual. My daughter and I can talk about anything, but for some reason I cannot bring myself to say those words to her. Can you help me? I'd appreciate any suggestions you have.

Suffocating In Here

A: I'm assuming, in my response, that your daughter is not a part of a right-wing, religious movement, since you didn't mention that she is. So, I'll proceed on that assumption. (Otherwise, my answer to you would be quite different.)
You need to have faith in your daughter with whom you appear to have a very close relationship. My guess is that the big fear is that she will reject you and, therefore, you dread telling her. It will probably be shocking to her at first (but, maybe not) because she has to change her view of who her mother is, at least the sexual orientation part; but do you really think she'll end up rejecting you – there might be some difficult times in the beginning, but "rejection"?
I'm sure she loves and values her relationship with you, as you do with her. You've lived with this knowledge of your sexuality for many years, so you need to give her time to adjust. She's the victim of the same fears and feelings that society perpetuates and that have kept you in the closet.
Also, issues that are considered "sexual" tend to be embarrassing for parent/child relationships – even when our children are adults, and even when talking about heterosexual sex. We don't like to think of our parents as having sex – any kind of sex. And even though "sexual orientation" is so much more than "sex," when anything other than "heterosexual" is being talked about, it seems to scream "sex" in our society.
When you tell her, you also need to let her know how difficult living in the closet has been for you, and how hard it is for you to come out. In general, when you know someone's pain and struggle, you are more likely to understand and accept. Having said that, I don't mean for you to come out in a shame-based way, because acting shameful of your sexuality tends to invite criticism and shaming from the person you are coming out to.
This brings me to your feelings of shame over your sexuality and your internalized homophobia – you can't help taking on society's negative attitudes toward gay people, therefore, you feel that negativity toward yourself. These feelings have kept you in the closet along with society's homophobia. Your first step to "freedom" might be better started by dealing with your shame and fear around all this. It's hard to come out with a modicum of confidence if you are feeling bad about your sexual orientation. You haven't mentioned where you live, but there are "coming out" groups that can help with the process. (If need be, I can help you with that, just let me know.) The other thing you could do is find an experienced, gay-supportive therapist who can help you with your feelings and the coming out process – along with your need to be a people-pleaser.
You have spent 40 years of self-denial. 40 years! How much longer are you willing to continue this: one, five, 10 years more before you to get your freedom? How would it feel when you are 85 if you never went after your freedom?
Come on out, the air is fresher, the colors brighter, and you'll be able to taste the freedom.
Note: If you have come out recently, visit my Facebook page and tell me how it went. I'd love to hear from you: Go to Facebook/Dear Jody Valley; see what's happening, and checkout "discussion" groups.

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