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Dear Jody: Holiday parties not what I planned for


Q:
It's getting close to holiday time again, and I can feel myself starting to get depressed. I just know that this happens every year and, usually, I just wait it out. Once the holidays are over I feel better and start functioning again. During the holidays I usually just quit doing things, sleep as much as possible, and try to ignore all the excitement and "happiness" (fake or real) around me.
This has worked for me my whole life, but now I have moved in with a woman "Karen." (We only dated for several months). Little did I know that she "loves" the holidays. She says she always has a huge Thanksgiving dinner for all her friends and anyone else who doesn't have a place to to be – usually between 25 or 30 people come to dinner.
I didn't know this until the other day when she started planning all the things "we" needed to do, what recipes we would be using, the food we needed to pick up, and then who we would be inviting. I didn't know what to say and was just sitting there in shock when she told me. Karen noticed I was being quiet and asked what was wrong. When I told her I didn't do holidays, she informed me that I would need to start because not only is Thanksgiving a big deal, but Christmas is an even bigger deal.
She apparently starts decorating the house as soon as Thanksgiving is over. She has several parties during the Christmas season, and then there is another big dinner for all her friends and anyone not having a place to go on Christmas Day. Karen said she has been doing this for years and is not about to change. Not only does she not plan on changing, but she wants me to be part of the whole thing.
I don't think I can be part of it and I don't even know if I want to. How do I get Karen to see my point of view and tone down the whole holiday scene?

Bah Humbug

A: Apparently, the two of you met and moved in together before you really knew each other very well. And now you have found out that you and Karen are polar opposites when it comes to the holiday season.
You both are going to have to give a little and be more understanding of each other. You and Karen need to have a time to express how each of you feels about the holidays. Let Karen know that you feel depressed and sleep your way through that time. Listen to Karen about why it is important to her and how she feels. You can't expect Karen to give up her holiday excitement any more than she can expect you to feel the same way over the upcoming season.
See if the two of you can come up with a compromise so that she can enjoy the holidays and her friends, and you can take a lesser role in all the hoopla of the season.
In the meantime I suggest you go to your primary physician and tell her about your depression during the holidays – she may be able to give you something to help with it. You didn't mention why you get depressed during the holidays; this may be a good time for you to seek counseling to look at what the holiday season means to you and why you get so depressed, since you don't suffer from depression.
I'm guessing that this will not be the only surprising difference between the two of you, since you don't know each other that well. If the two of you can make your way through this situation by listening to each other, honoring the needs of the other and compromising, you stand a very good chance for a long and loving relationship.
Sadness and depression are not uncommon during the holiday season, but it can be avoided, or at least lessened. To learn more about coping strategies for the holiday blues, visit Dear Jody Valley on Facebook.

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