Dear Jody on Out of Sight Out of Mind

By |2007-05-03T09:00:00-04:00May 3rd, 2007|Opinions|
He only loves me when he’s with me

Q: I am writing you for advice as I am so confused and I’m not sure what I should do. Let me see if I can quickly explain the situation. I have been with a man “Larry” for the past two years. We have lived together for about a year or so. Larry travels a lot, sometimes for his job and sometimes just because he loves travel. One of the things that attracted me to him is that he loves to travel and he has such a sense of adventure.
Because of my job I can’t always travel with him. If I can’t go he goes by himself, and even though I miss him, I am glad he can travel and see the world. The last trip was when he went to India and stayed for a month. Larry and I have a lot in common but of course there are things he likes and things I like. One of our differences is that he loves comic books and the art that goes with it. I don’t give a rip for comic books; my thing is to spend the night watching the Home and Garden Channel. But for the most part we enjoy doing things as a couple.
The problem started the other night when I was going through some of our books and things, just trying to clean up a bit. I came across some papers that he had been writing that was about our relationship. (I wasn’t snooping, and it wasn’t a journal, just some papers stuck in a book.) The top of the first paper said: pros and cons. It then had a list of what he saw as good and as bad about our relationship. It then went on where he was writing about the fact that when he is with me he is really happy, but when he isn’t with me he doesn’t know if the relationship is right for him.
When I confronted him when he got home, he said it was true. He just didn’t want to tell me right now because I am having a hard time at work and he didn’t want to upset me. He said that every time he travels or is away from me he feels this way, so he doesn’t know if the relationship is right for him. So I asked what he saw for the future in our relationship, and he said it was a “maybe.” He couldn’t make promises. Larry also said that he worried that he loved comic books and I loved decorating the house, and he didn’t.
To me our relationship was a for sure, unless of course something unforeseen happened. When I am with him I love him, and when he is away I still love him. My feelings for him don’t change when he is with me verses when he is gone. I love him no matter what. Now he wants me to continue the relationship to see what will happen, but after two years I just don’t know what to do. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship plus I love him. But the other side, I have to ask myself, will he ever really love me if he doesn’t love me after two years? About our two different hobbies, I didn’t realize that was a problem. What would you advise me to do and why?
{ITA Out of Sight; Out of Mind}

A: One of the things that struck me is that when he talked about the relationship he was talking about being happy or not being happy; when you were talking about the relationship you were talking about loving him. Those are two very different things. One loves or doesn’t love a person regardless of whether or not s/he is happy. Also, for you to love a person, it doesn’t need your physical proximity to that person.
My advice to you is to cut your losses. If he doesn’t know if he loves you when you’re not there, after two years I don’t think more time would make a difference for him. For me it would be a real trust issue if I knew that every time the person I love was away from me, she would doubt her love for me.

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Between The Lines has been publishing LGBTQ-related content in Southeast Michigan since the early '90s. This year marks the publication's 27th anniversary.