Q: "Lacy" and I have been good friends since way back, like 20 years or so. I would do just about anything for her, and now I'm being asked to go beyond what I feel is comfortable, or for that matter, right.
First off, let me tell you that Lacy is straight. She's married and has a wonderful 5-year-old daughter. I often babysit her, and I love that kid as though she were my niece. I like her husband, "Fred," very much, too. He and I have always hit it off. We both are sports nuts, and have spent a lot of time in front of the TV watching games. I'm included in many of their family outings. In fact, they have really been more like family to me, as I have little family of my own. And, those I have don't approve of me because of my sexuality. I'm bisexual, but I mostly lean toward women. At this time, I'm not involved with anyone.
I broke up with my ex "Michele" about five months ago. It was a very difficult time for me. Lacy and Fred have been so supportive of me. I'm not sure how I would have made it, had it not been for their love and support. They have really been there for me.
I don't have a lot of friends. I guess it is just not easy for me to get out and meet other people. I do have some friends at work, but they're all married and into their families – and a lot of them don't know that I'm gay, and I'm not sure how it would go over if they did know. (Though I have known Lacy for many years – we were friends in high school, and remained long-distance friends – I just moved here two years ago.)
So, to my problem: Last week Lacy and Fred asked me if I would be interested in a threesome. I don't mean any Mormon-like thing, like sister wives. They meant that they would like to have me be part of their sex lives, not all the time but occasionally – maybe more frequently if things turned out well.
I was floored by this proposition. Jody, I never saw it coming. I am bisexual and they have been aware of that fact, but I didn't think they would ever see me as someone wanting to be part of their sex lives. I don't want that! I want them to be my friends, my family.
I just stood there, floored, unable to say anything because I was so blown away. They said that I didn't need to tell them that day, and to think about it. So I left. I haven't been back since. But I know that I have to face them and give them an answer.
How do I tell them that what I want is their friendship, without being part of their sex lives; what I thought I had? I don't believe they'll like that, and it will be the end of something that I thought was wonderful and special.
No Threesome for Me
A: You have to go with what's right for you – and for sure, it may mean losing people who have been dear to you. I know that's hard.
Let them know that you love them as a family but are not interested in being a part of their sex lives, and you hope that it can continue that way. Maybe they'll be able to accept that, and you can continue as just friends. Maybe not.
In any case, I think it's important for you to make the effort to get out and find other friends. It's not good for you to have all your friendships in one basket. Find other things and interests to get involved in. I know this is difficult for you, but it is so important that you stretch yourself, and get involved in other things and with other people.
Saying "no" is difficult for most of us. Want to know when saying "no" is not only appropriate, but necessary for our mental health? Go to Dear Jody Valley on Facebook.
