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Do not fold, mutilate or staple insertee

Parting Glances

I had a marvelous time at Hart Plaza during Motor City Pride 2011, in spite of unrelenting 90+ heat, blazing sun, cascading perspiration, non-stop rainbow reveling. (No phone numbers. No requests for autographs. No midnight fountain frivolity.)
I did come across this modest petition. Feel free to copy same. Circulate where appropriate.
"We, the undersigned, do hereby petition the Michigan House of Representatives and Senate to confer Honorary Second Class Citizenship on [insert name], who tirelessly works to deny civil rights of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgendered persons, regardless of LGBT nationality, race, age, education, Bridge, golf, block club, softball, or bowling league affiliation.
"We, the undersigned, further deem it fit that [insertee] shall be given opportunity to experience – with the mixed blessing of Democrafts and Rebiblicans – denials in housing, military service, employment, marriage, adoption, school safety, the afterlife – but only if such out-of-body status is conferred in violation of the State Constitution.
"[Insertee] shall merit Honorary Second Class Citizenship by his/her affiliation with one or more of these special interest agendas: American Family Association, Focus on the Family, The 700 Club, Ku Klux Klan, Cosa Nostra, Mormon Polygamists for Family Values, Corpus Christi Altar Boys Good Times Consortium.
"SUBSET 1: Should affiliation be covert due to clandestine theocratic oath-taking, promise of generous tax rebates, threat of hellfire damnation, or exposure of past celibate toilet training – candidate shall be deemed eligible by notarized statement of a victim that said candidate, in the course of his/her misguided life's mission, caused said LGBT person to be hated, mugged, prayed over (under/for/in in the missionary position), maligned publicly, privately, or from a bully pulpit.
"Such maligning includes accusing an LGBT person of undermining the sanctity of heterosexual marriage (with attendant privileges of spousal abuse, separation, divorce, annulment, alimony, lifetime privileges of child-support neglect), and blaming him/her for the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, the 1929 Stock Market Crash, the mythic popularity of Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand, Madonna, Lady Gaga, recent international scandals occasioned by priests so-called abusing pre- and post-pubescent acolytes; politicians with weiner email or hotel maid solicitation Frenching agendas.
"Eligibility for candidate second-class status may include IQ scores (lower mid-70s), three-syllable word association skills, blood pressure readings (140/250 normative), erratic EKG readouts (arrhythmias, with occasional but unconvincing stoppages – none of such lasting duration to benefit society, the trickle-down economy, gas prices, or prevent Rebiblican recall petitions.)
"SUBSET 2: Candidates often exhibit these exotic traits: cerebral ice-over, skyward tweakings, zombie-like fixations, tremulous teeth chattering, holier-than-thou nit picking, beet-red blushing when sniffing out the joy of abstemious sex or its aromatic lack thereof (frequently in a front or back row phew, er, pew of their choice).
"Candidates employ clone-speak coupled with chapter-verse sonar echoing: Spare the rod, spoil the child; Love the sinner, hate the sin; Have a bless'd day; Burn, sinner, burn; Once saved, always saved; God loves a cheerful giver; Read my lips – One Nation, One Faith, One God in 501.C Three Persons.
"SUBSET 3: Second class status shall be conferred with yearly review. If married, that privilege shall be revoked, so that candidate may be denied spousal benefits, including hospital visitation rights, 1040 tax loophole advantages, weekly diaper deliveries, family reunion hand-holding sessions, Kmart wedding gift registry, joint bank account penalties with reoccurring ATM credit card snafus.
"FORM ADD-ON: It is modestly suggested that, in full accord with State bipartisan recognition, [insertee] shall have his/her mug shot prominently displayed in post offices, courtrooms, airports, popular, quickee truck stops, pages of Christianity Today, Lansing State Journal, Congressional Record, Casket & Sunny Side, the Police Gazette."
And – let's hear an amen! – BTL's "Creep of the Week."

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Topics: Opinions
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