Gay camp cult classics – "To Wong Fu," "But I'm a Cheerleader" and "Mommie Dearest" – gave us some of the quintessential quotable zingers. "The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror," which checks in on DVD Nov. 18 and will be screened at the Reel Pride Film Festival in Royal Oak on Nov. 14, does, too (who can resist prank-calling friends, creepily grunting, "Mincemeat muffins, mwahahaha!"?). But inaugurating Jaymes Thompson's indie horror satire into such a category would be an insult to all the so-bad-they're-good movies that came before it. Why? Because it's just flat-out bad.
Now, I'm willing to excuse some of the stone-like acting in the flick because, well, I know that horror films and top-notch actors go together like a gay and Walmart clothes. But sheesh, this group of doomed folks – queeny 'mos, Starbucks dykes, a sugar daddy, a fag hag and lipstick lezzies – make Mariah Carey in "Glitter" look like Helen Mirren.
When the five couples arrive at the gay-friendly-touted (false advertising!) Sahara Salvation Inn, they're met by B&B owner Helen (Mari Marks), a religious loon, and her awkward daughter Luella (Georgia Jean) – both odd, but hospitable hosts, offering mincemeat muffins to the guests. But Helen's hospitality ends there – well, depending on your B&B experience. As swiftly as those muffins go, so do the guests, falling victim to the frizzy-haired maniac and her illegitimate, creepy, uh, thing (the bastard "child" of a Republican orgy). Wacky mom's motive: Save them from Satan by finishing them off. All but one, that is. That lucky guy will go on to have sexy time with Olive Oyl, er, Luella (they look so much alike), and with her, uh, hot looks, he'll be converted.
An obvious blow to the right-winged agenda for gay marriage, "The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror" has great plot potential – especially in the first half, where it lampoons genre cliches like scared-bitch-running-up-hill-and-falling. Bloated to almost two hours, though, Thompson's script reveals bland dialogue, characters not worth caring about (if they were ants, I'd squash them) and a denser-than-osmium story that grows into Harry Potter-series proportions.
Some of the one-liners, like when a dyke crushes her ambitious when-I-grow-up-I-wanna-be-a-singer partner by snapping, "You're not Jewel!," zing with the kind of capricious play-on-stereotypes hilarity that is the foundation of camp flicks of yesteryear. And whether this is intentional, it sustains its laughable longevity (I'm cracking up just writing this): A hot chick carries around an ice bucket for a good 30 minutes. And never gets ice.
But the film's plot wears thinner than industrial single-ply toilet paper, and the gag-me acting becomes a laughable distraction. "The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror" is camp on speed, zooming through flashback after flashback, and checking out way later than it should. C-
'The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror'
Out on DVD Nov. 18
Reel Pride screening
11:30 p.m. Nov. 14
Main Art Theatre, Royal Oak
ALSO OUT
The Strangers
A knock – and a Gillian Welch song – never sounded so creepy. But those are two make-scary devices in Bryan Bertino's virgin film that'll make you think twice about rejecting your partner's proposal. Not that we can guarantee things would've been different for James (Scott Speedman) and Kristen (Liv Tyler), who turns down her boyfriend before the two are immersed in a cat-and-mouse game that unravels quietly – then, wham! Knocks, creepily-masked people in windows, a scratched record repeating, and enough chills to turn you into an ice cube. B+
Vipers
You know what's scary? Tara Reid in a movie. You know what's scarier? When she's the film's selling point: Tara Reid in … "Vipers"! Like that's a good reason to buy this? Interestingly enough, Reid, who's given the short stick as far as lines go (a good thing!), is one of few things "Vipers" – a movie like every other CGI snake flick – has going for it. Which isn't saying much. Few characters are likable, the film has more WTF subplots than thrills, and as much as the snakes look fake, you'll be cheering for them. F
