Q: You are not going to believe my problem. I’ve never read anything like it in your paper before…or any other paper for that matter.
What happened, to make it short, is that I got drunk, had sex with a guy and am now pregnant. I had sex with a man once. As my mother said, “that’s all it takes.” My problem is that I know, absolutely know, that I am lesbian, and to complicate it further, I’m in a relationship with a wonderful person, “Michelle.” Michelle and I have been together for three years. She and I have had a great relationship. Michelle is 28 and I’m 27.
As you might suspect, the problem is that Michelle is mad at me for having sex with a man – or having sex with another person for that matter. I’ve tried to tell her that I was drunk, and it just happened. I didn’t set out to do it. I was at a party and I just don’t exactly remember how it all came about. I don’t much remember it. It’s strange because I don’t think I drank that much. I’m not a big drinker and I’m not a small woman who can’t hold alcohol. (I really think it was my second glass of wine in two hours and I had just eaten food, and the wine glass was small.) I actually learned more about that night – and how much I drank – from others, not from my memory. One person said that one minute I was sitting talking to this guy, and the next minute I went into the bedroom with him. I’m not excusing myself, I’m just saying that I made a big mistake, but it doesn’t take away any of my feelings for Michelle.
It is really weird for me because I hardly remember any of it, yet I now have to explain it and I really can’t. As I said, I am lesbian – not bi – and I love Michelle, and I’m not promiscuous or a cheater. I can understand why Michelle is mad at me, and I don’t have any good excuse or explanation for it all. Now, Michelle is not sure she will stay with me. She says that she still loves me, but doesn’t know if she can stay in the relationship because now she doesn’t trust me and wonders about my sexuality.
And of course, I have the problem of me being pregnant. I have always wanted to have children, but not this way and not at this time. But, on the other hand, I’m not someone who, in good conscience, could do an abortion. But, I don’t know if Michelle would consider staying with me if I were to have a baby; it would just be a reminder to her of my infidelity. And I’m not sure she’ll stay now, let alone if I go through with the baby.
I don’t even know the “father” of this pregnancy. Apparently, he was a friend of a friend who showed up. I suppose I could track him down, but I have no desire to do that.
I feel so humiliated and confused. I just don’t know what to do next. Michelle hasn’t left me, but she’s barely talking to me, and sleeping in another room. I’m nauseated from the pregnancy and pretty tired all the time. I don’t know what to do.
A: The first thing I recommend is for you to find a counselor to help you sort through your feelings and aid you with any decisions you need to make. Hopefully, Michelle will join you in some couple’s counseling as well. Let her know that whether or not she chooses to stay in the relationship, you both will make better decisions if you talk through things. If you haven’t seen a doctor yet, that’s something else you need to do. It’s important to see a doctor early in a pregnancy, no matter what decision you make.
As I read your letter a red flag appears to me: I wonder if you were drugged, like perhaps the drug ecstasy. When I say this, I’m assuming that you are being honest. It’s really hard for me to believe that two glasses of wine with food over two hours (and you are not a tiny little person) would reduce your inhibitions so dramatically. I’m certainly suspicious. I don’t know at this point that you could prove that one way or another, but it’s something to consider and talk to your doctor about. If you are having problems with finding a counselor in your area, e-mail me back and I will help. Let me know how it goes. I care.