Even the morning after Suzanne Westenhoefer returned from Dinah Shore Weekend, a big lesbian soiree in Palm Springs where she sang with the Indigo Girls and hung with Katy Perry, she woke up at 6:30 a.m. to make her girlfriend a vanilla chai tea latte. "I know. I'm the best girlfriend ever," she brags, kiddingly. She's still pooped, and her memory's blurry when it comes to remembering her last time in Michigan – she feels like it's been a while, but "someone will come up and they'll go, 'Suzanne, you were here 18 months ago'" – but whether it was two days or two months ago, she's coming back April 17 to Affirmations as part of their "For Adults Only" program. From her Los Angeles pad, Westenhoefer told us whether Katy Perry tried to kiss her, how she's trying to rescue lesbian sex and why she wants to be a 70-year-old gay man.
You just returned from Dinah Shores, where Katy Perry and Lady Gaga also performed. Did Katy try to kiss you?
No, but wouldn't that be awesome? Like, bitch, you need to get off the lesbians and relax. I think she's fun. I like her music a lot. My girlfriend downloaded her song, 'I Kissed a Girl,' like last February on a whim. She read the title and said to me, 'I think this song's gonna be big,' and we just loved it.
With your busy schedule, do you even find time for crossword puzzles anymore?
Yeah, that is very funny because the brand-new Sunday one is sitting right here by the phone, because I said, 'Well, I gotta do the interview and I'm in the middle of laundry, but as soon as I'm done with the interview maybe I'll start that crossword puzzle.' (Laughs)
I know … because I'm peeking through your window right now.
(Laughs) I'm like, geez, is my cat staring right at you?
No, no: We talked about that last time – your obsession with crossword puzzles.
Sunday morning is pretty dedicated. We were still at Dinah on Sunday morning so I have to get everything done – get to the grocery store, get all the laundry done, get all the unpacking done – so I do it with a clear conscious. Like, I couldn't do the Sunday crossword puzzle if I had loads of laundry and we were out of milk. (Laughs) I'm old school that way. I know, isn't that sad?
So this show you're doing is apparently part of an 'Adults-Only' program?
Well, I definitely feel very strongly that, in general, stand-up comedy isn't really good for the under-17-year-old set.
Right. So what are your kid shows like?
(Laughs) I don't do those. That would be good, wouldn't it? 'Sometimes mommies love other mommies …' (laughs)
It could be all about lesbian motherhood. You could make potty jokes.
Right. It takes a special person to make that stuff funny, I think. I'm not sure I would be able to. Plus I don't actually have children.
Yeah, that's a problem. Do you plan on it?
No, never. I'm not the kid person; you know there has to be some of us who don't have children. That will be me.
So then – at 26 – I'm old enough for this show?
Yeah, I mean you're just on that border (laughs). But will you understand it? I can't help you with that – that's up to you.
It depends on if I paid attention in my sixth-grade health class I guess, right?
Uh-huh (laughs). If it was taught by your phys ed teacher, you'll probably get it (laughs).
True. She was a lesbian, I think. So for the prudish people who come to your show –
Who would do that?
Bored people. What advice would you give them to prepare for this 'Adults-Only' program?
Take some sort of mood-altering substance (laughs), have a cocktail, be relaxed. I never think of it (my comedy) that way – but I don't party with 12 year olds who might go, 'Hey, that's inappropriate.'
How about sex – is that a topic you'll talk about in Detroit?
Yes it is. I'll tell you something: I've been talking about lesbian sex since I first started stand-up very, very purposefully, because women in general are shy about sex and don't talk about it enough. Lesbians even more so. And there's all these things about lesbian bed death, and when lesbians get together they don't have sex anymore – and I don't want that to happen, so I kind of talk about it on purpose. I want to titillate the girls.
What about the guys?
Why not? Straight men love the show because they do love the lesbians. I don't need to titillate gay men. There's literally nothing that can stop gay men from being titillated. They're at a high right from the time they wake up. It's one of the things I love most about gay men. You will see 70-year-old men in a gay bar looking to get picked up, and I think, 'I want that.'
Do you like to embarrass people?
No, I do not actually (laughs). I'm not saying that I don't quite frequently, as I'm told. I'm actually quite co-dependent, and I don't really.
Would you say that you're a pervert?
Mmm, no. I'm not very pervy. I'm not totally vanilla, but just because I happen to know a lot. I know that my tastes do not run into the pervs and the fetishes, unfortunately or fortunately. So far, no problems. No complaints. I'll let you know.
Suzanne Westenhoefer
7:30 p.m. April 17
Affirmations
290 W. Nine Mile Road, Ferndale
$25-$50
http://www.goaffirmations.org
