By Leslie Robinson
I've missed Jimmy Swaggart.
Since he was exposed as a hypocrite of biblical proportions in the late '80s, he hasn't been very visible. I didn't know whether he was even still preaching.
Oh ye of little faith – of course he is. Ratting out a rival televangelist, cavorting with prostitutes and being defrocked aren't enough to stop this fire-and-brimstone preacher from telling the rest of us what sinners we are.
Thank goodness. This means the Revs. Falwell and Robertson don't have to bear the burden all by themselves of providing me with material. I think the responsibility was starting to wear on them. Neither has said anything objectionable in minutes.
Jimmy Swaggart is back on the job. In a televised worship service broadcast in mid-September in the U.S. and Canada, he offered his thoughtful opinion on gay marriage: "I'm trying to find the correct name for it … this utter absolute, asinine, idiotic stupidity of men marrying men."
That's thesaurus abuse, that is.
Swaggart continued, "I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry." I'm confident nary a gay man dreams of swapping vows with him, either.
Then came the kicker. "And I'm gonna be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I'm gonna kill him and tell God he died."
It's so heartening when a man of the cloth threatens murder. Just makes you feel like all is right with the world.
As to being the one to clue in God about a death, well, that shouldn't be hard for Swaggart. He'll just come down off his throne and whisper into God's ear.
The audience applauded his Christian attitude, and he carried on. "In case anybody doesn't know, God calls it an abomination, it's an abomination, an abomination!" He liked that word so well he decided to skip the thesaurus this time.
"These ridiculous prosecutors, district attorneys and judges, they should have to marry a pig forever!" My goodness. For years opponents of same-sex marriage have threatened it will lead to legal incest, polygamy and such. Now we have a gay-marriage opponent advocating bestiality. Lordy but I'm confused.
If Swaggart's interesting idea is embraced, in the future, when people consider attending law school, they'll have to factor in whether they're capable of achieving wedded bliss with a barnyard animal.
"I'm not knocking the poor homosexuals, I'm not, they need salvation just like everyone else. I'm knocking our pitiful politicians," he continued. Golly, that's a relief. For the briefest second I thought we poor homosexuals were being knocked, mocked and threatened.
A lot of other people got that idea too. The Toronto station that ran the show is apologizing, and the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council must decide if Swaggart lurched into hate speech, an official no-no.
Here's a big shock: Swaggart appears not to grasp why folks are peeved over his pledge to kill a romantically inclined gay man.
Recently he told The Associated Press that he has jokingly used the expression "killing someone and telling God he died" about lots of different people. "It's a humorous statement that doesn't mean anything. You can't lie to God – it's ridiculous."
He should know. He's tried often enough.
Swaggart did apologize – in a kinda, sorta way. "If it's an insult, I certainly didn't think it was, but if they are offended, then I certainly offer an apology."
The man doesn't get it. Which is why I feel sure he'll continue to provide me with column fodder for years to come. Can I get an Amen?
