Getting back at him

By |2009-05-07T09:00:00-04:00May 7th, 2009|Opinions|
Dear Jody

Q: I’m very unhappy in my relationship with “Erik.” Erik and I have been together for six years and seven months. For guys, we’re doing really well, and we have been put on sort of a pedestal because of our long-term relationship. Not only that, but both our parents go to PFLAG and have become good friends – they met there and feel a bond because of us both being gay … and together. We are even brought into PFLAG groups to show parents that men can make it and what a great couple we are. So you can see how stuck in the middle I feel.
Back to my unhappiness: The reason I’m unhappy is that it feels like Erik and I have become dead as a couple. It’s that I don’t feel the excitement, the closeness we used to have. Sometimes, it feels more like we are roommates, not partners or lovers. I have personal goals and Erik has his goals, but we don’t have “couple” goals. Are we supposed to have couple goals? I’m not sure what being a couple is supposed to mean, anyway. For my parents, it was raising us kids, but we don’t have kids and don’t really want any, so I’m not sure why we should be a couple anyway. I guess I’m having a couple identity-crisis. Do you have any thoughts? Because I don’t know where to go from here.

Couple Identity Issues

A: Having kids is one goal many couples have, but hopefully that wouldn’t be their only reason for being a couple. In good relationships, there are separate individual goals and couple goals as well. It seems like you both have done well with your individual goals, but need to establish some couple goals – and maybe you already have some, but don’t recognize them as such. Or else they need work. For instance, couples have financial goals, such as buying a house, vacations, new cars. Being a couple means building memories together, having private jokes and generally the sharing of life. In my mind, the most important function of “coupleness” is to be loving and supporting of each other on a daily basis. Someone who supports you in your individual needs and goals. Someone to come home to and be able to talk to about your day, to listen to you and care about how you feel, without judgment. And someone, when you look over at them, who is on your side in life. I’m sure that there are other important parts of coupleness, but that’s a start for you. Perhaps if you and Erik take a look at some of these things and worked to make them a part of your lives, you’d put some excitement back in your coupleness and feel an aliveness again. There are a lot of good things about being a couple, but it takes work. It just doesn’t happen.

Q: I want revenge! I know you are not supposed to want revenge, but I can tell you that I do want it. Bad. I want it bad because my so-called best friend stole my partner. Plain and simple. This so-called friend “Joe” and I had been friends since junior high school. We knew we were gay then, and found solace in each other. From that time on we were tight. We did have a time when we were sexual, but it was more just a matter of our first sexual experiences.
Because Joe was my best friend, he hung out with my partner “Dave” and me a lot. I trusted Joe, completely. But I was wrong to trust him because Dave and Joe are now together, and I’m left out in the cold. It was such a shock to me when Dave broke it to me – you could have knocked me over with a cooked noodle. Dave said that I had gotten boring, but all that is another story. Dave and Joe snuck around on me behind my back and all our friends knew about it and didn’t tell me until last week. So, that’s when I confronted Dave.
Now I’m really pissed and have something in mind that I want to do to them, but I don’t want to say it here in case they read this and recognize the situation. (I know that they both read this column.) Some of my friends say that I should do “it” and some of them say I shouldn’t. My question is, don’t you think that both Dave and Joe deserve some punishment for what they did?

Mad As Hell

A: I’m not into deciding punishment or no punishment for Dave and Joe. I’m more concerned about you. I realize how angry their deception and betrayal has made you feel, and I’m sure you are very hurt by it – I understand that; it makes sense. But seeking revenge is not the answer. You won’t feel better for doing something hurtful to either of them. Revenge doesn’t “satisfy” as you might think it would, and it will bring you down as a person both in your own eyes and in the eyes of your friends. The best thing you could do is to grieve your losses and move on. I hope you can do that.

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BTL Staff
Between The Lines has been publishing LGBTQ-related content in Southeast Michigan since the early '90s. This year marks the publication's 27th anniversary.