Perez Hilton's balls could very well be bigger than the mess Bush left for Obama. To hype his literary, er, trashy book debut, "Red Carpet Suicide: A Survival Guide on Keeping Up with the Hiltons," the self-proclaimed Queen of All Media recently gabbed with, name-called, and vagina-harassed Chelsea Handler on her E! talk show. Mind you, she's on page 50, and she once publicly called him "disgusting." Yes, he's got big balls. Ginormous, really.
Which makes his bodacious and cheeky how-to-become-a-hot-mess-but-be-famous guide (or what he calls the "bible to fame whoredom") – starve, ho it up, get a DUI, use kids, make sex tape(s), have gay hookup, pretend to care about, like, worldly shit – a guilty-pleasure read. Even if the writing's the intellectual match of a text message convo.
With spunky sass, zingers galore and the zeal of a gay meeting Madonna (yes, Period, he's having an affair with Exclamation Point), Hilton – real name: Mario Lavandeira, or A-Hole, as celebs probably call him – makes "Red Carpet Suicide" easier to zoom through than a yellow light with no cop in sight. Only near the end, during Part Three, are we given the key to Perez's trash-talking world: How does he get his info? And how does he make sure it's legit?
Whether it is or isn't, he's viciously hated – still, an understatement – by Hollywood (pretty much every star worth Perez's snarky quips is a victim). The first chapter lets inquisitive readers decide their fate, using other stars as examples: Are you The Disney Sex-Pot, like Britney? Or the Has-Been, like – uh, what's-her-name? Hilton's book is uniquely interactive – quizzing readers on star fees for public appearances and offering up a dice game, with categories like fruits and fabrics, for picking a baby's name.
And by the end of his 12-step become-a-famous-failure program, Hilton wannabes learn, naturally, how to die – which, Perez says, Anna Nicole Smith was a sure-fire success at: "She stuck to the playbook and then went out in style, a model Hilton to the end." Same could be said about Perez. He's as shamelessly desperate as some of the D-list stars he rips on and ridiculously draws drool on. And what else – besides one of the most visited blogs, http://www.PerezHilton.com – will he, one day, be remembered for? This book's a pretty good start. B
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