WATERFORD – With the toll of American lives lost in Iraq now over 1,000, parents of those in the service fear that visit from military personnel to deliver news that their worst nightmare has come true.
On the morning of Nov. 23, 2003 Pat McLatcher and Vicki Arthur of Waterford received word that their son Pfc. Damian Scott Bushart was killed in Iraq when the Humvee he was riding in collided with a tank. He'd been in Iraq for eight months.
The news was difficult and painful for both women, but for Pat, Damian's biological mother, it was especially hard.
"I didn't want him to go (to Iraq)," she said. "I didn't even want him to enlist in the army. I tried my best to talk him out of it. I said, 'This is not the best time to be going in when we just got out of a war and talking about getting right back into one.' And he said, 'It'll be okay mom.' I said I wish I had a crystal ball."
Adding to the hardship was Damian's young son, Joshua Arthur. On Nov. 6, 2003 Damian spoke on the phone to Joshua from Iraq, and heard his son speak for the first and only time. Because of the complicated relationship with the boy's mother, Damian's name was not put on Joshua's birth certificate until after Damian's death. When Damian died, Joshua did not initially receive any survivor's benefits or any of the donations taken at the funeral. Pat and Vicki have set up a trust fund for Joshua.
The definition of family
Pat and Vicki, together about five years at the time of Damian's death, had a difficult time at the funeral. It was an experience that both challenged and ultimately strengthened their relationship.
At issue was the definition of family. For Pat the struggle of dealing with her son's death was hard enough without having to deal with being out around intolerant family members.
"I really kept myself downstairs a lot at the funeral home because I'm the type that wants to be open, that wants to be a partner no matter what is going on, but I didn't know how comfortable she would be and her ex-husband doesn't acknowledge (our relationship)," said Vicki.
"I guess we just didn't want to make an unnecessary ruckus," said Pat. "It was bad enough just having to be there period."
Vicki felt left out. "I honestly felt, even though I didn't have him, like he was my son, too. But I felt like I was being left out a lot of the time," she said.
Although the experience put stress on their relationship, they knew Damian wouldn't have wanted it that way.
When Pat and Vicki came out to Damian it didn't take long for him to become supportive and accepting. Damian attended Pat and Vicki's commitment ceremony in 2000 wearing a black tux complete with boots and a cowboy hat. Vicki and Pat remember fondly that everyone at the ceremony called him "Clint Black."
"We felt like that Damian wouldn't have wanted us bickering," said Vicki. "He would have wanted us to talk it out and make it work."
"I think it brought us closer," said Pat.
Finding support
To help Pat cope Vicki arranged photos of Damian and mementos in their living room, covering two walls and a small shelving unit. "I try to be her backbone," said Vicki.
They also go to Damian's grave. "One day we went out there and bought lunch and had lunch with him," said Vicki.
Pat and Vicki also receive support from their church, Divine Peace Metropolitan Community Church in Clarkston, and both women had high praise for Rev. Deb Dysert.
"At Divine Peace, between Rev. Deb and the other church members, they are so caring and supportive," said Vicki.
Pat also attends Compassionate Friends, a group of grieving parents and grandparents. Vicki does not attend.
"Because I'm not ready to accept it yet, that's he's gone, so that's why. I really haven't had my time," said Vicki.
"I don't think I have accepted that he's gone either because all the time I think he's just going to pop in the back door here," said Pat. "And it's hard to really come to say that he's not going to come home anymore."
"Damian was awesome"
When asked to describe Damian both Vicki and Pat used a single word: "awesome."
"He used to say that all the time, awesome," remembered Pat.
"In my heart he's our hero," said Vicki.
"He was really a fun-loving guy," said Pat. "He'd give the shirt off his back to anybody. He'd do anything for you and wouldn't ask for a cent. That's just the type of kid he was."
After a pause, Pat added, "He knew the second verse to the Star Spangled Banner, too."
Damian loved music. Two of his favorite bands were The Drop Kick Murphys and Dave Matthews Band, according to Vicki's biological daughter who lives with the couple in Waterford.
"We still play two of his favorite songs all the time now," said Vicki. "One of them was 'Friends in Low Places' by Garth Brooks, and 'Amazing Grace.'"
Nobody is immune
Pat's feelings about the war are complicated and conflicting. Largely, however, she doesn't want her son to have died in vain.
"I wish we didn't have to go to war," she said. "And I just hope that we went over there for a good reason and not for all these other stories that are out there, like [Bush] only went out there for the oil and whatever else."
Overall, Pat and Vicki shared their story to remind people that nobody is immune to the cost of war.
"It can happen to anybody," said Pat. "There's always people left behind – people that can take care of themselves and then (people) like Joshua."
Pat added, "It's hard and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Unfortunately there is a war and whether you're straight, gay, or lesbian it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter."
