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Long Way to Happy

By Anthony Paull

We should all have friends like dear, dear Kyle. He's so informed about the dating scene, he practically is the dating scene. I guess that's why people obsess over him. He's sucked this one's this and stuck that one's that, and there is just no telling who or what he'll do next.
You see, Kyle is that friend of yours. He's seen it all, done it all, and placed his sticky stamp on most of the male packages in town. But recently, he's grown Fed-EXXX'd up with men. And lately, he seems bitter.
Now please, don't blame poor Kyle. He can't help but whisper biting words about the abysmal bar scene and the bitchy bastards who come along with it. Yes, he might come across as mean. But remember, he's the victim. Right?
"It's not my fault," Kyle promises. "It's those filthy bar-whores at the club. They don't want dinner. They don't want to talk. All they care about is wrapping their ankles over their ears so someone will salt them like a pretzel."
Again, try not to get the wrong impression. Kyle is not a mean person. He's just grown tired of the salty residue left on his heart, his lips and his butt-cheeks from the long string of meaningless hook-ups that have taken place in the wee hours of the night in his bedroom.
Now granted, the world would be a better place if what happened in Kyle's asshole stayed in Kyle's asshole. However, that is not the case. Now that Kyle has been burned one too many times, he plans to spread his sour seed all over town. According to Kyle, that one's a slut, this one's a whore. He has a pimple butt, and that one's a bore.
True, these are hurtful words. But we've all been in dark places before, and, sometimes, friends let friends slide when gliding along a slippery patch. However, enough becomes enough when innocent bystanders become affected.
Enter Sam.
A cuddly-looking Care Bear, Sam is a close friend to Kyle. He's also forever the optimist, feeling romance is just around the corner and love is merely a day away. For Sam, that day came when he met Vinnie. The online encounter where they chit-chatted for hours and hours was enough for each of them to get hooked. Instantly feeling chemistry, they soon began dashing off on dinner dates and lazy strolls on the beach to marvel over the sunset.
It was love, Sam thought. Well, that's until Kyle warped his mind. "Dude, I nailed that guy," Kyle told Sam, seeing him cozying up to Vinnie at the club. Even with the blaring house music, you could almost hear Sam's heart lose its footing.
"Huh?" Sam said, stunned.
Being a friend, Kyle was nice enough to elaborate. You see, not so long ago, Kyle had tied up Vinnie in his bed, and I mean that in the most literal sense. "Oh, it was nothing," Kyle explained. "We role-played some scene where I was a police officer who'd detained Vinnie for harboring a concealed weapon." Of course, the concealed weapon went off in Kyle's mouth. And oh, what a bullet it was! And oh, was Sam thrilled to be blessed with all the details. Well, not really …
You see, Sam's basic perception of Vinnie had been altered. No longer was Vinnie his darling dinner mate, but, rather, the harlot who Kyle had hog-tied in his bedroom. How could he build a relationship with a guy who would fall for such a thing? Why did Kyle have to tell him?
"Because he's my friend," Kyle states. "Wouldn't you want to know?"
I guess Kyle has a point. Indeed, I probably would want to know, except I could be spared the details. It's one thing to tell a friend in a nice way that you've slept with his boyfriend in the past. It's another thing to tell them how good it felt or what position you liked best. Even if you're in a bad place, it's not fair to put your friend in a far worse place than you. Trust me; it won't make you feel better.
As for Sam, he's still out there, like each of us, searching for true love. I hope he finds it. And I hope Kyle is watching, so someday, he'll believe it's out there and he's worth receiving it too.

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Topics: Opinions
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