We’ve had Lisa Lampanelli to ourselves a couple of times already. So we decided to share, letting our readers do the dirty work for us. She wasn’t happy about that.
“I hate my fans,” the insult comic grunts. “Fuck them all. You are, to me, nothing. You’re my meal ticket, bitches.” Aw, you’re smiling? See, Lampanelli has that effect on her fans. Racial slurs, gay jabs – they’re like getting a bear hug. Maybe even a smooch on the cheek.
And to those who haven’t already felt the Lisa Lampanelli love (maybe you’re still living in the George Carlin age?), this year, amour is in the air. After a successful HBO special, “Long Live the Queen,” that aired in late January, the button-pusher’s keeping herself on her toes (and less on the black men she lusts after, we presume) with a fall book release (“Chocolate, Please”), an in-the-works show she’s collaborating on with Jim Carrey and a “faggy” one-woman Broadway show.
The project, “Love Addict,” will feature “a little chorus of little black boys, and we’re just gonna sing and dance and be theater fags.” Lampanelli, sing? She actually played Maria in a high school production of “West Side Story” – “so step off, bitch,” she snaps.
In between, she’s touring – with a show scheduled for 8 p.m. March 21 at The Detroit Opera House – and getting buff … in her own private gym. “I don’t go to a gym; there’s one downstairs,” she says, in a hoity-toity tone. “You faggots who are poor, it’s so funny. Detroit homos, how’s that working out for ya, huh?”
Feeling the love yet?
How big are your boobs – and can I touch them if I come to your show? – Dean Jeffery, Grand Rapids
Well, if he’s a homosexual he may touch them and go e-aw-e-aw. Now I must tell you I believe I am a 40 DD, so the DD is a very nice size, ’cause sometimes you go into where they don’t make that size and you have to go into an E. And hardly anyone has an E, which stands for Excellent. So, yes, they are very fucking huge, but they look proportionate to me. It’s not like I’m one of those creepy chicks with the big boobs. And they’re all natural, ’cause trust me, when the bra comes off they come right tumbling down.
What are your irrational fears? – Caity O’Leary, Ypsilanti
That I will die alone, but then that’s kinda something I’m looking forward to also, because everyone in my life is so annoying I wanna be alone. I’m afraid of any type of food that has a weird, creepy gelatinous texture. Like I’ve never eaten cottage cheese. I’ve never eaten cream cheese. I’ve never eaten caviar. I’ve never eaten basic shit, like maple syrup and jelly. Just the texture makes me sick, and I think I will die if I eat those foods, so I will not try them. For someone who hates so much food, how the fuck did I get so fat?
You talk about banging the black guys, the white guys, the Asian guys –
No, no, no – not the Asian guys. I would never bang an Asian. I like my men like I like my coffee, not my urine. Never mistake that. I will never bang an Asian.
If you were to do a girl, which would you prefer and why? – Andy Miller, Plymouth
I must tell you, the ones who seem to appeal to me most would be kinda like a mixture of Jo from – you ever see (‘Date My Ex’) ‘Jo & Slade’ on Bravo? – I like Jo, but she’s a little annoying, so I’d mix her up with probably that little Jamie (Lauren) from ‘Top Chef.’ Isn’t Jamie from ‘Top Chef’ a dyke? Big honking dyke, but a cute one. And they have to have money – because you know what, bitches, you lesbos aren’t living off of me like those black guys did.
Since losing weight, do your chocolate lovers like you skinnier or miss the extra cushion? – Brian Jaskolski, Madison Heights
Well, ya know what, I must say that my wealth far supersedes what they’re interested in in the booty department. So put it this way, they enjoy me very much sexually, but I think it has to do with them faking it so they can get, possibly, a pair of crocodile loafers – in green of course. Or, ya know, bright burgundy.
Have you ever been with a gay guy? – Bryan Zeitlin, Novi
Oh, no. Well, I mean I’ve turned guys gay, I’m quite sure, because I was always the fag hag. There was this guy, Jorg – I mean, please, a guy named Jorg? – that’s gonna be a dick smoker no matter what. I was all in love with him, but we didn’t even make out because he was all a fag and shit and now he’s like Facebook-ing me like I wanna hang out with him.
What kinda bra do you wear? – Sara Widdis, Dearborn
I wear Le Mystere. I’m hoping they give me a free one because they’re fucking like 100 bucks because that twat Oprah said we should wear them – and, sadly, that’s the one bit of advice that Oprah gave anybody that works.
Is it true that the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice? – Joe Powell, Ann Arbor
Um, it is not. Because it all tastes funky to me. I gotta be honest with ya, now that I’m a celebrity I don’t really blow anybody anymore because I’m, like, very rich and I have $5,000 hair extensions and I really don’t need to mess it up. So basically I do not know the tasting of it, but back in the day when I was a loser and I didn’t have dough – yeah, I think it all tastes like the same shitty stuff.
What’s radio host Adam Carolla like in real life? – Christine Moellering, Ypsilanti
I love him. He is super smart. He’s like one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. He’s probably the best ad-libber in the world, and he’s just so quick and clever. And I’m intimidated by him but I pretend – as you know I’m quite a great actress, I’m a pretty big deal – and I use my acting chops, as they call it, to pretend I’m as good as he is.
The word ‘douche’ is a very prominent word in your verbal dictionary – do you? – Kyle Hadley, Clinton Township
No, I do not, because from what I’ve heard it’s not good for you. I also do not imbibe in anything putting it up my twat. Like, for instance, I do not enjoy these vibrators. I do not understand it. I don’t know how to use it. I’m very old-school. I’m 47 years old, I wax-on wax-off using my own stuff, my own equipment. So I’m sick and tired of these people coming to my show and giving me vibrators as if it’s a fucking funny joke. So I have a drawer full of them and I don’t know how to get rid of them because you can’t throw them out because then the maid thinks you’re a big fucking whore.
What kind of music puts you in the mood? – Gabe Javier, Ann Arbor
Well, I must say anything that can be a soundtrack to ‘The Accused’ with Jodie Foster, because a rape movie really is the sexiest movie of all because you can’t rape the willing. Also, I like the gangsta rap because whenever I have to squeeze one off myself, I put on maybe, like, the Jay-Z, possibly the 50 Cent, and I get my juices a-flowin’.
Will you come to my birthday party? – Melissa Webb, Canton
No. I’m famous. You’re not. No one cares about you.
8 p.m. March 21
Detroit Opera House
1526 Broadway St., Detroit