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Meaty beaty big and bouncy

By |2005-12-08T09:00:00-05:00December 8th, 2005|Opinions|

By R.J. Beaumia

“Holiday… Celebrate… One day to come together, to release the pressure… We need a holiday!”
To paraphrase Paddy Chayefsky, “That Madonna – she sure can write.” Apparently our friends at Focus on the Family think so, too. Inspired by her lyrics, they’ve come up with a perfect gift for all the stressed out, fussy queens and other hard-to-please sodomites on your holiday shopping list.
No need to waste precious fossil fuels scurrying from mall-to-mall searching for presents; gasoline is expensive and there simply isn’t enough time to invade another OPEC nation. After all, it’s Christmas and even Dick Cheney needs a day off.
No need to worry about finding a parking spot at the Great Wal-Mart. Everyone knows that America’s favorite super store keeps its shelves stocked thanks to Chinese slave labor. We also know that its checkout lines during the holidays are longer and crazier than those of people trying to get out of Shanghai in 1948.
Just contact Focus on the Family. They’ve eliminated all holiday gift-giving anxieties by asking the question, “What would Jesus buy?”
The answer? Balls!
Well, actually, Jesus wouldn’t buy anything for Christmas because it’s his birthday, but that’s a detail, and the devil is in those, and we all know that fundamentalist Christians hate the devil, and that means that we can’t mention details, so we’re not going to talk about those anymore and that’s that.
That said, Gay.com recently reported that Focus on the Family distributed 5,000 stress balls to attendees at this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade imprinted with the name of their advice website TroubledWith.com.
The website is sort of a boutique enterprise, an up-market of a basic product. The Gap has Banana Republic, Toyota has Lexus, and Focus on the Family has TroubledWith.com. What you get is still a pair of pants, still a motor with four tires, and still a crock of horseshit.
According to Gay.com, Steve Watters, director of marriage and family formation at Focus on the Family, said of the big ball giveaway, “Too many people are living their lives in quiet desperation [thanks to you Steve], hurting and struggling through troubling situations because they just aren’t sure where to turn for help…Our objective with this campaign is to reach as many of those people as possible and offer them the help they desperately need.”
Yep, there sure is a whole lotta desperation goin’ on over there at TroubledWith.com. Booze, dope, dykes, fairies, showbiz, pornography – the usual suspects are all there. Enough tweaked-out, fudge-packing singer-model-actor masturbators to turn the Valley of the Dolls into a subdivision development.
Oh yeah, there’s some science thrown in for fun, too.
If that seems like an anomaly on a fundamentalist Christian website, that’s because it is. But since it’s Jesus’ birthday just play along anyway. Intelligent design has nothing to do with homosexuality when there’s hard scientific fact that having sex with other men is something I do because I’m an evildoer.
Now, everybody grab your stress balls and go to the TroubledWith.com website. Look under the category “Love and Sex,” then click on “Homosexuality.” There are several topics to choose from in this category, all equally informative. My favorite is the one entitled “Born Gay?” Catchy and original, that one. Go there, read.
The article says that we “love” the argument in favor of homosexuality’s genetic component – I guess almost as much as we love Judy Garland and ass. It goes on to say that as long as we claim we’re born gay, we can say that we’re helpless and then get lots of sympathy. Oh yeah, I forgot that big pity perk we all get.
The sub-category in the article is called “Claims of Genetic Causation,” which is your cue that the big science is going to start, and that the tone will steer away from blind condemnation and sound more like a scholarly work from the Journal of the American Medical Association.
First, however, there’s a quote by Joe Dallas, “author and former homosexual.” He says that gay leaders are constantly “pushing” the inborn theory because it “furthers the cause,” which as we all know is to screw children and then eat them.
Then there’s a litany of tired, outdated information about how every experiment trying to find a “gay gene” has failed or been flawed in one way or another. And then there’s this bit of wisdom and logic: “Interestingly enough [love that], genetic predeterminants have also been theorized for alcoholism and depression. Neither alcoholism nor depression is embraced as healthy. Rather, we try to help people who suffer from these tendencies to find relief and recovery.” Maybe TroubledWith.com will come out with a ball for us to play with to relieve our homosexuality. Now that’s science!
Finally, you know you’re dragging the bottom when the article mentions Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, one of the main quacks behind the reparative therapy scams run all across the country. The coup de grace is from Stanton Jones, Chair of Psychology at Wheaton College (a university with a Billy Graham Center). Jones says, “Anyone who says there is no hope for change is either ignorant or a liar. Every secular study of change has shown some success rate, and persons who testify to substantial healings by God are legion.”
From stress balls to scientific research, TroubledWith.com and Focus on the Family are a one-stop panacea. Whether you want to find that perfect gift or if you just want to stop being human, they have it all.
Don’t forget, you heard it from this ignorant liar first.

About the Author:

BTL Staff
Between The Lines has been publishing LGBTQ-related content in Southeast Michigan since the early '90s. This year marks the publication's 27th anniversary.