By Cathy Markes
For as many lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender marriages and unions that exist, there are at least as many explanations of spirituality's role in their lives together.
Irregardless of the fact that most LGBT couples' unions are not sanctioned by either state or most religious institutions, it appears that some of the rituals and traditions of a marriage ceremony itself – shared with supportive friends and family – will suffice until laws catch up with more accepting recognition. There is some irony, though, in that the majority of couples interviewed clearly expressed an acknowledgment of their love being a gift of spirituality.
Since they could truly create their own ceremony in 1993, Beth and Lisa Bashert incorporated Jewish and pagan symbolism that they were both comfortable with into a very personalized event. They included the sign of infinity throughout the ceremony and smashed a wine glass symbolizing the intensity of their bond. While Lisa's parents did not attend, she found an Ann Arbor church full of supportive family and friends wishing them well with songs, gifts and prayer.
"The spirituality we feel is expressed in very different ways but our values are always in-synch," Lisa explained.
This fall the Basherts will celebrate their daughter's wedding to a young man that she met while away at college and then within days, celebrate their 15th anniversary.
Ed Butler and Les Schoof exchanged rings and vows after being together for 30 years. With their loved ones around them and giant cupcakes teetering in pyramid formation, they formalized their bond in a New Hampshire civil union this month. During their initial meetings with their celebrant, they asked if she had a ceremony that married a pagan and a recovering Catholic. It was clear that theirs, too, would be a unique and very personalized event.
Although they had married some years earlier in a mass ceremony, they were encouraged by the young people in their lives to marry at home. Les and Ed's ceremony was a reflection of both men with their favorite music and Walt Whitman readings. With all of that, they do view the right to marry as a civil rights issue.
"Ed ran for and became a State Representative (D-NH) as the Republicans were using marriage as a wedge issue," Les recalls. "Now civil unions have replaced marriage in New Hampshire and our government recognizes the unions from other states."
The Birmingham Unitarian Church's Senior Minister Rev. Doug Gallagher encourages diversity and acceptance every day.
"Marriage is a socially recognized ritual, a very normal experience, to be committed to spiritually. Look, if we can all get together and agree that love is the most important thing in the world, then we can revisit marriage and get all picky."
Two other lesbians who describe themselves as "soul mates" decided to marry as a way to celebrate ten years together. They had been joined in a mass ceremony earlier but decided to go to Ontario because of their marriage laws. They wanted to be legally married.
One of the women shared that while walking down the aisle to meet her partner, seeing their parents and all of their friends truly supporting them, she found herself experiencing a moment of true awe. She wasn't hesitating but completely appreciating the gravity of the moment.
"I was committing myself to her forever. I believed that our love was a gift from God and that our connection was quite spiritual."
Spirituality is what brought Mike Auchter and Mark Bruening to become members of the congregation at Birmingham Unitarian and choose to be united in that church. They believe that BUC and the other parishioners accept them as individuals and as a loving couple.
Mark and Mike laugh through the story of meeting through a few stalled efforts on FACE BOOK. They missed connecting a few times as both were busy and the internet messaging didn't keep up. Once they did get together, it seemed that finally they'd met someone who wanted the same things in life, mature love and commitment, and was willing to work toward that goal.
"Our commitment celebrates our love in a publicly spiritual way that doesn't come along very often," beams Mike, "Mark and his love are a gift."
They are planning their summer nuptials at BUC with Associate Minister, Rev. Mark Evens
"Spirituality is how we feel connected to ourselves, God and our community. Spiritual meaning is important to a full life; it is a powerful way to become conscious."
"Absolutely" Bruening says later. "It is an unbelievable spiritual and loving entity that allows me to love Mike. He is a direct answer to my prayers, a really good man who love me."
Auchter decided to propose marriage to Bruening when Mark returned from a lengthy trip to California. He hinted at something important to discuss in a voice mail that left Mark feeling more anxious than excited to return home to Michigan. So, he proactively called Mike back from a check-out line in RALPH'S SUPERMARET fully expecting a totally different conversation.
"I thought the worst," Mark fidgets as he remembers.
"He sounded so nervous about my message that I confessed to him that I was going to propose marriage," Mike smiles broadly. "Not exactly how I wanted to do it, but, he sounded so worried."
"I remember standing in line with my groceries and thinking 'I'm getting married!"
Then they both laughed, reaching for each others hand across the metal picnic table.
