After Thwarted Kidnapping Plans, Whitmer Calls for Unity

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer addressed the State of Michigan after a plan to kidnap her and other Michigan government officials was thwarted by state and federal law enforcement agencies. She started by saying thank you to law enforcement and FBI agents who participated in stopping this [...]

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My Argentinean Knees

By |2011-12-01T09:00:00-05:00December 1st, 2011|Opinions|

Parting Glances

I’ve a friend, Wardell, who shamelessly flatters new acquaintances in oddball ways. “You’ve got exciting toes,” he’ll tell a guy wearing sandals.
“Your earlobes indicate you’re well endowed,” he’ll remark to a party guest. “I’d kill for those elbows,” he’ll chat up a gym buff.
Recipients of these left-field compliments don’t know whether to laugh, say thanks politely, or fall off the bar stool. Mostly they just wonder: Is there something wrong with my hearing aid or this guy’s bifocals?
Exciting toes? Endowment earlobes? Sexy elbows? Wardell just blathers on. “I don’t suppose you get many compliments like mine; but it’s true: your elbows are sexy. Is it your genes, or do you work out?
“Why do you say goofy things like that?” I ask Wardell (after spending minutes in front of my full-length mirror, looking at my Argentinean tango knees). “Aren’t you afraid people will think you’re a nut case?”
“Sure; but there are plenty who find my come-ons fun. Besides, who secretly doesn’t mind hearing they’ve got eyebrows like a NASA rocket scientist or the rebel wrists of a hard rock guitarist?
“Doesn’t everyone like to feel special in special ways? Anybody can be handsome. Anyone can be beautiful. (Anybody can be a bottom. You should know.) But how many can own up to charismatic urban nostrils? Affluent suburban upper lips? Sisyphean-induced triceps? A continentally butch basket?”
“Yes, but Wardell; come on now. What you’re saying makes little syntactical or physiological sense. What in heck are ‘Sisyphean-induced triceps’ and ‘a continentally butch basket’?”
“What’s that got to do with it? (Just because you obviously haven’t got either.) The important thing’s that it sounds like something manly. Sounds sexy. You want to believe you’re one in a million. You begin to wonder how you can use it, make out with it, show it off in public.
“The trick’s adding to your compliment by linking it to an important person or persons. Say: Did you know it’s a political given that Wall Street bankers have similar testicular outcroppings like yours, more so than Euro Dollar counterparts. How about buying me a drink, Big Guy?'”
I wish I’d nerve enough to use Wardell’s technique of offense kissy footing (as opposed to my defense back scratching), but I’d feel real stupid going up to a stranger and saying,”Hey, dude, that’s really one monumental botox lip job you’re sporting!”
But, I do find Wardell’s ploy works miracles with 30-watt Fundies, pinhead theocrats, right-wing poop deckers, who – because they truly believe they’re the only ones who’ll win God’s Heavenly Bingo Game – like being told they’re very, very special in no uncertain, “isn’t that special,” Church Lady ways.
“Has anyone told you your Garden of Eden coccyx is divinely prehensile, and your cherubic nose is sweet Shinola shined to utter holy perfection? And, good gracious me, those marvelously hairy grapes-of-wrath toes … And your left behind’s quite rapturous … Amen! Got any 3-in-1 lube?”

About the Author:

Charles Alexander