Not so 'cool' Christmas

Anyone who likes Christmas films made the same way as their cookies – with loads of frosting and little dough – will want to sink their teeth into "Too Cool For Christmas."
The saccharine film opens with a corny dream sequence that, like most of the hokey humor in the movie, sets up the crass main character: Lindsay Dearborn (Brooke Nevin), a selfish, materialistic calorie-counter (Paris incognito?) who'd rather go on a ski trip than sulk with her two dads and sis.
Like Scrooge and the Grinch and even Billy Bob Thornton's drunken persona in "Bad Santa," Lindsay's bah-humbug transformation is on the top of Santa Claus' list. Yep, the "real" one.
And at the same time, Lindsay gives the jolly ol' man (played by George Hamilton), who she mocks at a mall, his own "Queer Eye" type makeover. She helps Santa lose the cookies he's piled on Christmas after Christmas. He says buh-bye to the white beard and the red oversized get-up. And within three weeks, Santa's a metrosexual, potbelly-less man.
Uh, right.
If there's one lesson in the holiday schlock-full "Cool" it's that nothing can replace family. Yes, not even a Chanel handbag. Although the two gay fathers (one of which is Adam Harrington of "Queer As Folk"), who lack much chemistry, fall to the backdrop of the film, it's no surprise. It even works.
Lindsay's ditzy best friend, who reminds the 16-year-old she's like already like had 16 Christmases at her house, doesn't refer to Lindsay's fathers as her two gay dads, but as her family. While the downplay of the dads succeeds, it's interesting to note that Lifetime aired the same movie, called "A Very Cool Christmas," but with a mom-dad duo.
With forced and failed subplots, including an investigative mall cop (achingly acted by the movie's writer Michael Gelbart) who suspects Lindsay and Santa of stealing gifts and loading them into a big red sack, "Too Cool For Christmas" has too many loose ends that make the overdone main story lose even more steam.
While unintentional lines are funny, what's meant to be isn't. Ones like "it's a dirty, filthy, narrow shoot" as Lindsay tries to persuade Santa not to head down the chimney elicit unintended sexual innuendo and laugh-out-loud fodder. The mediocre acting is saved from Lindsay's underused 7-year-old sister (Jodelle Ferland), who births one of the best lines in the film when Lindsay nearly reveals early on that Santa, and a certain battery bunny, aren't real.
"The Energizer Bunny isn't real?" she pouts.
Apart from her and Hamilton (who goes from insecure Santa to suave Santa), the acting was just as crummy as going down that dirty, filthy, narrow shoot.