Parting Glances

Charles Alexander
By | 2013-03-11T09:00:00-04:00 March 11th, 2013|Uncategorized|

In 1987 some 165, 000 people pledged $1,000 to Muskegon-born Jim Bakker’s Heritage U.S.A., a Bible-themed vacation and recreation village. For their ready cash each was promised a four-day stay and a down home Gospel good time. They got nothing and sued.
According to Christianity Today, a settlement has been reached in the 16-year-old class action suit. It entitles each claimant to a court-ordered refund of $6.54.
Attorneys got $2.5 million of the $3.7 million settlement – which in this world of commission by omission is how things often go for the gullible; no matter how bless’d they may lay claim to being.
And it cost $200,000 of the settlement to track the claimants.
Those who don’t know the forgotten details of what happened may nonetheless profit morally from learning that in 1989 Jim Bakker got 45 years in the slammer for cheating the faithful — and using some of their hard-earned cash to air condition the family doghouse.
He was released after five years of state-mandated meditation and is back hitting the hallelujah trail — a great deal grayer and a damn sight poorer, but still eager to sell real estate in that Glorious Theme Park-in-the-Sky. (I suspect he could use the $6.54, if any one is masochistic enough to send him a love offering.)
Ex-wife Tammy Faye – who single-handedly made mascara-embossed tears a mainstay for TV Mary Magdalenes — is doing very well these days. The Holy Spirit — apparently with nothing better to do socially — moved her to dump Jimmy and marry someone with more inspirational wherewithal (read not bisexual).
Tammy Faye’s now Mrs. Messer and lives happily as a mint julep in Charlotte, N.C., with hubby Roe, puppies Muffin and Tuppins, tabby-cattums Tinkerbell, and unlimited access to squeaky toys, rawhide chews, and Tender Vittles.
In between guest appearances on Hollywood Squares, her church work, her duties as Roe’s bubbly soul mate, and her role as starry-orb’d makeup lady to all God’s kith and kin, she somehow found time last year to reflect upon her once-waffled domestic life and write, “I Will SurviveÉAnd You Will, Too!”
I would be intellectually remiss if I failed to offer BTL readers tasty tidbits from Tammy’s homespun, tug-at-your-hearts, 285-page cornucopia of self-help advice, glamour tips, and lo-cal cooking formulas. After all, she is gay friendly. (Or, so she titters.)
For starters: “Tammy Faye is known for many things, including her steadfast faith, the scandal that rocked a nation, and those oh-so-famous eyelashes. But above all, she is a survivor. No matter how often life has tried to push her down, Tammy Faye has always landed on her high heels.” (Sounds friendly to me.)
Tidbit #2: “Don’t give up! Moses was a basket case.”/ “When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum!” /”God answers knee-mail.” (Kneepads are fashion optional.) Tidbit #3: “Tan fat looks better than white fat -Ooops! Didn’t mean to put that one in.” (But you did, Tan-Tam. You did!)
Tidbit #4: “Most of the gays I meet say they were born that way. They’re not flip about it. They are dead serious. They discuss with me their fears, their hopes, their dreams. We talk about God, about Heaven and Hell. They allow me to ask questions . . . to disagree with them, because they know I’m not out to hurt them but am talking to them in love. God leads in peace!”
It comes dirt cheap at $6.54.

About the Author:

Charles Alexander