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Parting Glances

I'm pleased to say I received many telephone calls (one 517 jingle from a VERY prominent Lansing lady) asking how Sister Serena Scatterpin and the International Recovering Catholics Badminton Team did at Gay Games VII.
For PG readers (recovering from theological entanglements and/or this column) who are also Sports Illustrated non subscribers, let me say proudly that full-color pix of Sr. Scatterpin's serving an underhanded birdie for a breathtaking game save are spectacular – if you're a birdie – as opposed to a bush – fan.
The good-natured – and sometimes deadly – religious, at the exact psychological "love all" sports moment, discarded her DKNY rainbow wimple, tossed aside her poppet rosary and soundly – but ever so ecumenically – trounced the Anglican Badminton Schismatics, third game, point 15 victory swat!
The heat-drenched crowd went wild, tore down the playing net in a frenzy of LGBT-intoxicated exuberance, and carried Sr. Scatterpin shoulder high around the competition field, cheering Hip! Hip! Hooray! Way to go, Sis! Get you, Mary!
It's rumored that following this energetic hoopla and all-around laity sacrilege Chicago's Cardinal Francis George made it emphatically clear from the pulpit that in no way did the Windy City Catholic archdiocese support GGVII, the out-of-state, out-of-mind, Renegade Sisters of Mary, their underhand birdies, or doing charity work (of any kind) in the bushes or Belmont Rocks.
Asked by the alternate press if she wanted to "read the beads" of the testicular Cardinal, Sr. Scatterpin genuflected, "There's nothing wrong with Franny that a night out on the town – Andersonville or Boys – can't cure. Just take along picture ID, expect an olympic-sized near occasion of sin – and rent an air-conditioned stretch limo with flics and two dozen Benedictine wine coolers."
Aside from this dramatic and unexpected upset (the Schismatics were the 50-to-1 odds on favorites) Sr. Scatterpin – so I've been told by militant, indignant, Rainbow Sashay members – also did expertly well during her lapidary treasure hunt at the aforementioned site.
To celebrate her badminton victory and making off with a Prada clutch bag full of laps, er, rocks, I suggested to Sister that she join me at the Dixie Chicks concert at Joe Louis Arena. Ever modest, she hesitated, until I reassured her that the event had nothing to do with Dicks with Tricks (a men-only, right-wing neocon group named for 'Tricky Dick' Nixon), or Chicks with Dicks (their neocon spouse counterparts).
Fashion conscious – almost to a St. Andreas fault – Sr. Scatterpin wondered (over her second, hail-the-conquoring-hero daiquiri, with nifty red-white-and-blue umbrellas) whether a wimple – no matter how DKNY stylish – would be appropriate for a C & W Rockabilly Concert.
After much soul searching (plus a third daiquiri and two bowlfulls of chocolate covered goobers), she had the bright inspiration – we were sitting in the noonday sun – to go strictly fashion combo: DKNY wimple, rainbow hip-huggers, silver-toed, hand-tooled cowboy boots (from St. Tonto Kemasabe's of Toronto), with matching get-your-cowpoker, glow-in-the-dark lasso.
Well, partners: It was like the parting of the Red Sea. (I'm sure my looking like a bald Charleton Heston in skag drag had nothing to do with it.) The effect of Sister's halo'd presence at The Joe was, what better way to put it: a knockout. The crowds was simply celebrity lockjawed. (Plus, I had no problem getting into – or out of – the men's loo).
But, heaven help us, Sister got stalked big time. Once bleacher seated – a full city-block from the action, my cellphone vibrated like handbag hell. "This is Washington, Charleen! Tell Sr. Scatterpin she's being watched. And as for you: Get a patriotic halter."
[email protected].

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