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A $10.5 million, GOP-funded study undertaken by the Institute for the Regionalization and Redistricting of Dogs, Cats, Kittens & Pups sheds new – and controversial – light on how we humans treat our tailed friends.
The Good Ol’ Pets study, conducted over five conscientious years without objection, and six contentious days without consensus — and in spite of Vice President Pence’s penchant for well-trimmed K9-to-5, neutered work hounds — finds that “persons of rainbow persuasion make the best dog owners, but have no role modeling influence on cats – although this should not be viewed as homo [or hydro] phobia directed toward America’s feline population.”
The controversial study claims that, “Dogs owned by gay males are happier, better mannered, more likely to [high] heel and fetch than dogs reared by [straight] breeders. These dogs generally shed less during summer and do their sniffing and hydrant marking in a casual but enticing manner – unless encountering a viable canine subject [or owner’s leg] out leashing.”
Interesting, too, is the finding that “all breeds, with the exceptions of pekinese, chihuahuas and dachshunds, show competitive sporting instincts – catching frisbees, treeing squirrels, chasing unmarked police cars – when raised by urban lesbians registering on a demographic scale of Partying Down 21 to U-haul Subdued 39.
“Rottweilers, when dyke trained, tend to be a fanatic, one-owner breed. They also sit well on Harley’s. Lipstick lesbians prefer well-groomed lap pets and in more intimate surroundings a well-trimmed, short-haired, frisky bichon frise.”
Breeds raised by drag queens “rarely snarl – or, if they snarl, do so in cultivated – but exemplary deep-throated – tones. They [the dogs] are also less likely to eat carryout leftovers. They also show a preference for gentrified dog houses that are painted in bright earth colors, edged with lavender lattice work.
“Collar choices are rhinestones; though studs and spikes are popular with the pit bull barbell set.”
A disappointment – understandable from a sociological perspective – is found with ever-finicky cat populations. To wit: cats raised by LGBTQ people are just as likely to be as independent as cats raised by straight people.
“The truth is,” the study sagely observes, “cats just don’t give a rat’s winkie if you’re straight, gay, bi or just pussy-questioning. If you feed them [the cats!] on time they couldn’t care less.”
There is a footnote of alarm. For reasons unknown strays seem to lose most of their nine lives when kept by in-power affiliated masters [Log Cabin Republicans]. This applies whether ‘fixed’ or ‘unfixed.’ [The strays, not the affiliates.]
Not everyone’s pleased. In The Family Way (ITFW) – a right-wing organization representing 63-million ferret and pre-op skunk owners – headquartered in Fragrant Bush, Montana, expresses “moral outrage” over the GOP-sponsored study in its monthly newsletter, The Litter Box. [Edit: Letter Box]
“The gay agenda stops at nothing,” whines the editorial. “Not only do gays want special rights – the right of dog and cat owners to marry each other and to adopt non-dander allergenic children – now they want to cuddle, pet, stroke, hug and fondle, as same-sex-sniffing household pets, Christian America’s inarticulate – and as yet church uncollared – majority: puppies and kittens.”
The diatribe indulges in half-truths: “Gay men tint poodles to flaunt society,” “Rainbow doggy scarves, leather cat harnesses, rubber play toys will bring America poop-scooping to its knees,” “Dog shows are gay grounds for crossbreeding” and “Would you want a leader dog for the blind trained by a drag queen?”
The editorial concludes with the usual sit-up-and-beg-for-money in the name of America’s cultural war: “to save God’s four-footed creatures from secular pampering, non-procreative knee-humping, and unmitigated, undiapered, public park hounding.”
Two arfs (and a ho-hum — yawn — meow!)