Parting Glances: BAA, BAA Pink sheep

I received a letter from a conservative group calling itself Balaam's Ass of America (after the Old Testament story of the fabled talking mule), asking for a five-buck, tax-deductible contribution "on behalf of gender confused pets in need of prayer and reparative therapy."
This "widow's mite of a donation" entitles me to a subscription to BAA's monthly newsletter, "Sheep Lost & Found," the option to adopt an ex-gay pet of my choice ("Bonobos are popular among Southern Baptists this year"), and the gift of an all-purpose flea, tick, dander collar with rhinestone letters, "Ex-Gay Pet."
Providing LGBT-Q pet owners and animal lovers with insight into BAA's plan for saving Catholic, Protestant, Republican petdom from – quote unquote – "rampant homosexual domesticity: the twin scourge to pet neutering," I share the following (with a loving ear scratch for BTL's own pets – each proudly and openly neutered – Cooper, Teddy, and Yogi.) Arf, arf …
"Dear Faith-Based Partner of Straight Animals of America! The cunning Serpent from the Garden of Eden is loose again! Lesbian swans are turning up in Boston. 'Cutesy' gay penguins are swishing about in New York City zoos. Same-sex chimps are devotedly grooming each other (and worse!) in Royal Oak, Michigan. And, now, the latest affront to God's Intelligent Design: 8 percent of male rams – sacrificial, not two-legged – are gay, and unrepentant about it!
"If that isn't a howling shame, here's a quote (obviously a bear-faced lie) from the Oslo (Norway) Natural History Museum, where a so-called exhibit of animal gay 'kinkiness' is drawing record-breaking crowds. 'Homosexuality has been observed for more than 1500 species, and is well documented for 500 of them.' (BAA humbuggery!)
"Let's state truthfully: in the beginning there never was any same-sex hanky panky on Noah's Ark (though incest may have been tried, but only because of overcrowding, boredom, or lack of Gentile standup comics).
"Yes, Dear Friend: Same-sex animal distraction today is the result of two satanic technologies: 1) worldwide use of cellphones – with their high-frequency wave lengths altering DNA patterning and Christian missionary positions, and 2) rampant i-POD proliferation, covertly changing animal – and most importantly – human mating calls. (The problem can be overcome by broadcasting more Christian Hip Hop/Hard Rock and by writing to Oprah.)
"BAA encourages all concerned theocratic animal lovers (and who among us doesn't own, or know someone who does, a pit bull, a ferret, or a de-perfumed PC skunk?) to contact senators and congressmen demanding that LGBT-Q, left-wing subversives be legally stopped from owning canines (especially poodles), felines (alley cats for sure), horses (riding side-saddle's a sin). Or gerbils.
"$2.50 of your donation goes to building a BAA Center for Four-Legged Reparative Therapy (domestic and feral). Our Protestant Evangelical Treatment of Animals (PETA) – like that for human ex-gays – consists of prayer, celibacy (chastity belts are discrete and kosher designed), ALPO-fasting, and a period of confinement in a soundproof, fully holy-water-blessed cage or litterbox of choice — no cellphone or i-POD interference – for anywhere from last leg-hump up to 10 years (whichever comes first).
"Because: 1) gay animals are coming out everywhere, 2) pets are being coerced into leading a gay lifestyle at an alarming rate (one wonders if even the stately GOP elephant is safe), and 3) treatment space is limited, BAA also urges America's biblical role models to adopt a gay animal (12 rams are ready for home schooling in time for Lent), to pray over, and sexually reorient same. (Last suggestion optional.)
"Think your own Christian pet might be gay? Don't panic. It's just a phase." [Sure.]