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Parting Glances: But not on the hole

By | 2009-07-30T09:00:00-04:00 July 30th, 2009|Opinions|

October 11 – Coming Out Day – will roll around this year with challenges from a new organization for ex-gays and their therapists: Parents & Friends Advocating Reparative Religion.
Like it or not, the LGBT event that started just years ago – set aside for coming out to family, friends, employers, IRS, senior citizen assisted living staff – will be competing with P-FARR’s planned, “Take An Ex-Gay to Lunch Day.”
According to P-FARR’s president, Dr. Phineas T. Widestance, author of “Pulling It Out: An Ex-Gay’s Handbook to Celibacy and Salvation”: “There’s no reason why ex-gays can’t be ‘holy heartedly’ welcomed into American religious society.
“What better place to start than in a family values restaurant, with ‘holy some’ Southern Baptist down-home-style cooking. No fruity flambes. No petit fours. No caviar. Just folksy, straight forward, God-blessed vittles.
“You’d be lickedly split surprised how quickly you’ll find – over Oolong tea, a toss-your-own salad, a succulent helping of de-boned chicken – that ex-gays are like everybody else. Like our Muslim friends, our Jewish neighbors, Hindu acquaintances, Buddhist buddies. They all know that unless they straighten up and fly right with Jesus, there’ll be hell to pay.
“If you’ve the courage of your holy convictions and ex-gay lunch, then by your straight-shooting example, heaven may be just a few well-buttered hot-cross buns away, so to speak. But keep in mind. Cocktails are no no. Colas – diet free of same-sex associations – are OK.”
Dr. Widestance’s opening remarks are part of P-FARR’s first-annual convention, held July 4, in Proudputtering, Ga., at the Rev. Candy A. Cotton Bible Center, with 800 attendees, 38.5 of whom profess to be ex-gay, ex-T, ex-butch, ex-femme, ex-Democrat (the point fiver).
“It takes courage to ‘pull it out’ as an ex-gay,” says Dr. Widestance (whose daughter, Wanda-Mae Shortblouse, three times divorced, is now happily married to an ex-gay Episcopalian priest, turned foreclosure mogul, by the grace of God). “So, I challenge you who are straight – you know who you are by how you cross your legs in your own church pew – to befriend an ex-gay and invite him, her, or it to lunch.
“Remember: It’s lunch, not brunch – so, there’s no gay thing to worry about. There’s absolutely no sin in picking up the tab. (Just make sure nobody picks up the waiter. Just kidding. Just a little joke. Ah-men! I mean, ay-men!)”
Noteworthy P-FARR plans for 2009 mainstreaming include: 1) an online registry of ex-gays by state, city, precinct – with photos, fingerprints, Facebook contacts; 2) encouragement of employers to sponsor “Ex-Gay of the Week” events; 3) creation of an ex-gay marching band for gay pride parades; and 4) chaperoned bus trips to the Creation Museum near the Grand Canyon rim to view straight Israelites (and their nearby mating heterosexual dinosaurs).
July 4 P-FARR Conference theme is, “Some of My Best Friends Were Gay.” Hands-on workshops include: “Are Computers to Blame for Limp Wrists?” “Are Stealth Drag Kings A Threat to the Second Coming?” “Can Ex-Gays CROSSdress for Jesus?” “Is the Missionary Position Politically Correct?” “Keep Your Eye On the Donut.”
This year’s P-FARR honoree is Richard B. Flaccid, who holds the Guinness record for reparative therapy-induced celibacy (10 years, six months, 22 days) and the shortest for going straight: two weeks of RT, after a year in the slammer for “demon crazed,” non-stop sex on a Sunday in an illegally parked Baptist School Bus with its turn signals on.
Says Dick, “I’d be ever so happy to brunch, er, lunch, with anybody. Holy or Unholy. Doughnuts or no. Not only haven’t I had sex, straight or gay – I’m flat broke.”

About the Author:

Charles Alexander