by Charles Aexander
As my once-a-year goodwill nod to those of us who, for whatever reason of good sense and impeccable taste, know nothing about the joys of heterosexuality, I offer this PG column.
My resource (as I come mostly as a novice to this curious subject) is the July Cosmopolitan – for which issue I am taking a $4.29 tax write off. Touted as “the #1 Women’s Magazine,” it’s devoted to TABOO SEX: The Dirty, Sexy Moves a Man Craves in Bed!
For those of us deficient in straight lingo (but not necessarily in oral articulation), the article, The Hottest Words to Say to a Man During Sex, may be of more than passing interest during this month, noted for its 90 degree and accelerating temperatures indoors and out.
Sorry to say, “Mind if I toss your salad, big guy?” isn’t among them. But, would you believe, “I love you when you tilt your pelvis like that” is? And for those hets (and gays who like priests and clerics) who are more spiritually inclined, “Oh, my God, I’m about to explode!”
Under the heading Just Shut Up! several letters to the editor are solicited for sharing “the funniest, most unsexy things a guy has uttered during the deed.” If nothing else this entry is multicultural, if gourmet shortsighted …
“I once dated a Polish guy for a few months. The first time we slept together, he started asking me if I liked Polish kielbasa, referring to his . . . well you know. I’m sorry but names of meat products belong in the fridge and not in the bedroom.” [Dairy Queens, please take note.]
Here’s a tip us gays might find worth considering (especially if clothing-optional events are your thing): “To meet more people at a party, stand by a window or the buffet. Those spots attract social activity.” [I stood naked by my last buffet. It was wonderful. I had second, third, fourth helpings – of food, that is – all to myself.]
Under the heading “Bitch It Out!” there’s this telltale vent. Maybe writer Kayla, 21, needs to gay bar hop a little more. “After I broke up with my ex, a mutual male buddy of ours turned into a total male divo. He posted nasty messages about me online and called me a stalker whenever I talked to my ex. Since when are men so catty?”
Speaking of puss-puss, hiss-hiss, this seques neatly into item #8 of 10 Signs You’re Being Too Bitchy: “Your guy has claw marks all over his back – even though you haven’t had sex for three months.” Divo, indeed! While the cat’s away … best buddies will lay … straight and/or gay.
And this Caught Butt Naked reader write-in I’d file under a likely story, Allison, 23: “My boss asked me to set up an external hard drive. I crawled under his desk to plug it in, and he moved back in his chair. I poked my head up just as a coworker walked in, seeing my face level with our boss’s crotch.”
Followed by, Turning Him On Horoscope advice for Cancer: “Pop a batch of ready-to-bake cookies in the oven shortly before he walks in the door. The comforting aroma puts him in a very sensual mood. [Alice B. Toklas brownies are an old mood-enhancing favorite – or so my Dykes for Jesus cookie cutters say.]
Yes, “the stars reveal how to tantalize your man based on his sign.” Mark your desk calendar. Lust days: 2nd, 3rd, 28th. I’m Taurus, but call me if you need a hard drive check. (Pelvis tilt optional.)