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According to a tad too many fundygelical church know-it-alls, we LGBTQs are doomed to spend an eternity in hell. (Purgatory be damned!) So agree President Trump and VP Mike Pence, America’s hand-me-down present political and past-tense, self-styled saints.
By the way, sinners means you, me and a now retired Lady T Tempest. But not necessarily in that order.
It also means that, try hard as our doomed LGBTQ lost lot might wish it, or encourage it, there will be no backroom confessional worship available — or allowable on the qt — for us lost sinners in heaven; so far, that is: unsaved but not unhappy.
And we will miss the golden opportunity of forever singing God’s praises day after day after day after day after day after … well, you get the heavenly off-key, on-key, drift.
But things may be soon changing for us doomed Noah’s Ark rainbow rejects. A newly formed, ecumenical religious group called St. Peter’s Approval Method, or SPAM, has developed a surefire — but not hellfire — strategy for LGBTQs to get past the pearly gates into bona fide, cloud seven condo heaven.
It’s hoped, by advocates for this SPAM born-again coalition, that at long last we’ll be blessed with equal “praise God” rights too long denied us; although, it’s occasionally been considered an enterprising option over the redemptive centuries by the blessed virgin mother’s celibate priesthood. (Need one say more?)
SPAM spokesperson Adam Edenfig, one of America’s 23 people living gay and out as a Jehovah’s Witness, admits to developing the necessary strategy and steps for LGBTQs to follow that will get get everyone gaily singing into heaven. And before the world ends in a big bang left behind.
Boasts Edenfig, “Not many may know this, but to begin with we gay Watchtower JWs don’t believe in hell or GOP politics for that matter. So, as a gay Watchtower queen I’ve never had to worry about hellfire. I’ve never been into Log Cabin theocratic flame kink anyway.”
According to Edenfig, here’s how the SPAM Admission Strategy System works, “We take the one thing from each American, home-brewed faith that sets it apart as ‘special’ for sure salvation and make certain that our LGBTQ friends wanting to be saved subscribe to each of these rituals as required. (God knows its worth a try. What in hell have we got to lose anyway?)
“We at the SPAM don’t mean to brag, but for each LGBTQ sinner who follows our Redemption Plan we have an attorney team we call the Salvation Six — including one straight Harvard Law School Grad — to document a suitable-for-heaven admission proof ID form.
A sure guarantee of admission. And printed as true with words in Gothic letters and New Testament red.”
“First and foremost is baptism,” says Edenfig. “LGBTers need to be baptized twice. By sprinkling and by immersion in water. But not necessarily in that order. Just for old times’ sake, a touch of patchouli can be added to the holy water. Robe choice is optional but festive. Nude baptism’s a no-no.
“Baptism in a Mormon temple would be an additional salvation touch for probable admission guarantee. Although you might have to give an elder — maybe one of those young, biking-about missionaries — a generous tip for admission to the neighborhood Angel Moroni baptismal tubs.
“You could also take an oath of celestial loyalty on the Book of Mormon and those famous, self-polishing golden tablets. The Latter-day Saints also do proxy baptisms for the dead. (Farfetched but nonetheless worth considering for LGBTs willing to give proxy salvation long-shot a try.) If you have plural LGBT spouse or spouses, so much the better.”
Edenfig says the final strategy for guaranteed admission of LGBTQs to denied evangelical, quasi-fundamentalist, Trump-blessed heaven may prove challenging for many gay men and a few sports-minded dykes.
“Going to church service on both Saturday and Sunday is challenging. No time to party. Or, for lesbians, to play softball.
“Sunday is of course the day when most Americans do pew sitting, but according to Seventh-day Adventists, JHVH (short for Heaven’s equivalent of Donald Trump’s title) didn’t authorize the change from Saturday to Sunday. It’s the Mark of the — you know who — beast. (Oh, no! Mary. It can’t be!)
“Our SPAM plan of keeping both days of worship is the real test for convincing admission. If any unsaved gay guy, for example, can show he earned our NT red Salvation 6 Attorney proof by observing each Sabbath, it almost goes without saying that even St. Peter can’t say no to a gay somebody.
“From one repentant Peter to another St. Peter, repeat after me, ‘Welcome home, homo no more!’ It’s that simple,” says Edenfig. “Ask Mike Pence. He should know.”