Parting Glances: H. H. H. who?

By |2007-11-22T09:00:00-05:00November 22nd, 2007|Opinions|

TEPID SPRINGS (GA): SEXodus, an ex-gay outreach sponsored by It’s Not A Choice Ministries and Moms Against Wide Stance Politicians, today announced it’s expanding its reparative therapy (RT) programs to include one of America’s long neglected minorities: serial killers.
The announcement, which came as no surprise to most Tepid Springs Republicans and conservative Democrat allies, has been anticipated ever since Erik Larson’s The Devil in the White City, which documents America’s first serial killer, H. H. Holmes (no relation to Sherlock), registered week 100 on the New York Times Best Seller List.
Now in paperback, The Devil lists at week 169, which prompts some area ministers to ask why 69 more weeks had to pass before SEXodus took action to make its RT programs available to this misunderstood segment of population?
“Sorry to say, we’ve been a little remiss in our ministerial calling,” says Rev. Merton B. Moonpye, pastor of the 4000-member Tepid Springs Bible Tabernacle (with well-lighted, ample adjacent parking). “Nonetheless — better late than never — I’m sure this new venture will be truly blessed, and like our SEXodus homosexual recycling will soon come to glorious fruition.”
Rev. Moonpye chose a well-attended 11 o’clock Thanksgiving Day Service to make the serial killer outreach announcement. It came without pulpit fanfare, and with typical warmhearted Christian goodwill, in the course of his hour-long, power-point sermon, “Gathering Eden’s Crab Apples.”
But many of Moonpye’s congregation — older, unlikely to be accepting of new challenges however worthwhile — are not fully in accord with the groundbreaking RT program. While it’s certainly biblical, they say — the Old Testament is full of serial killers — their overriding concern, surprisingly, is whether or not it’s scientific.
Hyram Bicarb [pseudonym for AP press release], self-styled spokesperson for the dissenting group — says, “We’re not fully convinced that serial killing is a matter of choice. It could be just a bad habit. What if it’s — as evidence popping up here and there suggests — genetic? Maybe some guys, and a few gals now and then (you know how women are) are, well, born that way. Is it ethical to disabuse Mother Nature?”
In spite of minor controversy, SEXodus plans to go ahead with the RT serial killers program. Strategy, according Dr. Langley Seldumb, Board certified phrenologist, is “First: apply for readily available federal faith-based funding. Second: conduct a national media blitz campaign — testimonials, before-and-after mug shots — to invite serial killers (anonymity assured) to take part.
“It’s a golden opportunity for change, fellowship, housing, a fresh start. Home cooked meals.
“We’re asking all 200 SEXodus centers to canvas churches, hopefully getting caring worshippers to supply — if they feel comfortable in so doing — the name of at least one — not necessarily a family member — serial killer. And, just maybe, if they’re spiritually so led (as compassionate conservatives, in spite of what liberals say) to offer their home to these misguided individuals for however long it takes for a good brain scrubbing and rehab. Usually 18 months.
“It’s not really asking too much. Given the track record of ex-gay RT, there’s hope that dynamic change can take root at some level of deep-seated mental fertilizing. And, if there’s no lasting change right away, well, where’s the harm? Heaven credits honest victory gardening.
“The bottom line is, biblically speaking: Hate the crime spree. Save the serial sinner. I’m sure many of these social misfits will eventually come to see the light. And who knows? Willingly attend church on a regular basis. Love. Let live. The life you save may be your own.”

About the Author:

Charles Alexander