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Parting Glances: How the cookie crumbles

I was fortunate to find a slim volume entitled "The Little Book of Etiquette: Tips on Socially Correct Dining," by Miss Sheila M. Long, who says it was "written for people with little spare time" and "fits neatly in briefcases or purses."
"Tips" was a bargain at $3.98, and its breezy pages provide a timely (1996) follow up to last week's column that drew upon 1880s niceties to usher us gracefully through these turbulent years of dubious political taste.
As most of us have little spare time (thanks to Yahoo chat rooms) and carry a briefcase or a purse (I carry both), Miss Long's advice is deemed worth sharing, if only a few cogent observations about how we can decorously put things in our mouth publicly and privately without choking (or getting arrested).
In terms of dining gays fit into one of two traditional categories: those who are waiters and those who are waited upon. So viewed, Miss Long's advice will likely enhance the next five-star culinary adventure that comes whistling up your shady lane — with or without benefit of discount coupon or refined gastronomic taste (seafood, chicken, beef but no potatoes).
For those wondering about Miss Long's credentials, I can't vouchsafe an opinion, as no biographical embellishment is provided. I do sense that the book's dedication to a grandmother Cookie Mae, puts Miss Long (and gay waiters) on trustworthy social footing.
"Cookie Mae enlightened me on correct dining etiquette," modestly pens our Miss Long, "and constantly reminded me that 'You cannot have two sets of manners." [Or, by extension, two sets of dining companions, Republican and Democrat.]
About fraternizing with the said aforementioned waiters, Miss Long wisely counsels, "They are there to wait on you — not to be your friends. [Or bed partners.] Do not visit with them. If you want to engage in conversation, do so after dinner and away from the table." [Try the parking lot.]
According to Miss Long, a well set table consists of [/aut/ Bar please note]: a butter knife, a dessert fork or spoon, a soup spoon, a salad fork and knife, a fish fork and knife, a meat or entree fork and knife — plus stemware for water, champagne, burgundy, bordeaux, white wine — plus napkins, finger bowls, engraved place cards — plus, as dining incentive, food.
"Silverware is used from the outside in," nudges Miss Long. "Work your way inward toward the plate. Whenever a course is finished, the silverware and plates or bowls will be cleared away. [But only if you don't chat up the waiter.] This serves as a clue to use the next inward piece of silverware." [No fair peeking at the hostess.]
When finished, the following is proper arsenal retrieval: iced tea spoon (on saucer to right of service plate); soup spoon (right of soup bowl on service plate); salad fork or knife (tines face down on salad bowl right of service plate); entree fork/knife (tines on plate face down, alongside knife in a clock face position of 10 minutes to 5, with handles pointing smartly to 5.)
Got that? You're hired.
Fortunately TV dinners are a simpler LGBT alternative when dining al fresco, with a lover of more than 30 years, or with an overnight escort who has a penchant for swiping collectible spoons. Oh, yes, cautions the fastidious Miss Long:
"If you are eating with family members, you may ask for a doggy bag. If you are entertaining or are a guest, it's not proper." And do tip the waiter, Mary. Twenty percent.

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