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I hate to play the gay Grinch who stole Christmas, but there’s a movement afoot by the Southern Comfort Baptists to do away with all suspected gay references in Christmas carols and holiday traditions. (Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Veterans Day are targeted next.)
Unless we act with a united front, and a well-padded backside, “Don we now our GAY apparel” is doomed. “God rest ye, MARY gentlemen” is a goner. Gold, frankincense and myrrh (and patchouli) are out. Mince pie and sugar plum you-know-whats are things of the past.
Rainbow ribbons and wrapping paper are taboo. Red stockings for the chimney will be minus silver belles or D&G designer fur trim. Dancer, Prancer and Cupid are dead ducks. (Substitute: Butch, Bouncer, Bimbo.)
Yes, Christmas may never be its gay old self again. And Mr. Gailey will forever be a delete from “Miracle on 34th Street.” (How gay, by the way, is Kris Kringle? He even looks a bit, well, you know, suspect. And what’s all this fascination with kids, anyhow? Has he ever had an authentic FBI security check?)
For readers who are in the dark about the Southern Comfort Baptists, they’re a boisterous offshoot of gay-bashing, Disney-boycotting, 15-million-strong Southern Baptists. All Trump religious elves!
The 100 proof Southern Comforters swarm like a plague of biblical locust. And they’re two-fisted when it comes to minding other people’s business and sampling other people’s Texas Tea.
Every neighborhood has one or two Southern Comforters livening things up way into the wee-wee Sabbath hours. (I spotted one leaning against a lamppost and singing the doxology to my neighbor’s calico pussy just the other morning. The cat has yet to return. Saved or unsaved. Neutered or otherwise.)
Southern Comforters are headquartered in Myopic Flats, Texas, home of the world-famous batter-dipped, low-cal Gila Burger. (“The burger with a bite to die for!”) They broadcast over radio station TPARTY-AM, and their TV program, “The Church Key Hour,” is syndicated worldwide. Sarah Palin, who likes peeking through an occasional narrow-minded keyhole, is thinking about converting. Again.
The Southern Comforters perform what they call brinkmanship baptism.
“We don’t sprinkle. We dunk, count to 10 very slowly, and ask God for a miracle.”
They don’t smoke weed, boogie down, play bridge, skinny-dip, practice feng shui, eat kosher mayonnaise or play kissy face on the first and last date. Their motto: “One taste of 100-proof heaven goes a long, long way.”
More than likely you’ve seen a controversial full-page ad the Southern Comforters took out in National Expirer tabloid recently (appearing next to Lady Gaga’s ‘candid camera cuties’). SANTA: A GAY AGENDA PLOT! Homos put the X in X-Mas! Are There ‘Toys’ Under Your Tree? Is Your Sock ‘Hung’ by the Chimney with ‘Care?’ Beware! The GAGs are coming.
In case you’re too busy to speed-read the scandal sheets at checkout counters, Santa really got a few below-the-belt punches from these burning bush holy rollers: “It’s bad enough the Gay Agenda Gang (GAG) has shoved TV’s Burt & Ernie and Tinky Winky down our collective throats, but the real Trojan Horse is Old St. Nick himself!
“It’s true. Santa, who wears a leather belt and boots, sports a beard and a big beer belly, is what GAGs call a card-carrying ‘bear.’ His red suit is color-coded to convey a deep-seated message. (Years ago, gay men wore bright red ties. And, those unmentionable hankies!) And while there may be a Mrs. Santa — a ‘beard’ of another kind — what grown man in his right mind breaks bread with elves, second cousins to hobbits, twinks and fairies?
“Be forewarned. Sitting on Santa’s ample knee and telling him you’re naughty or nice, when God knows you’re a loathsome, rotten, stinking sinner, is an invitation to disaster and damnation. Santa, and all he stands for — which includes same-sex marriage — is anti-American, anti-family values, anti-Republican and a GAG plot to boot. Amen.”
PS: The less said about “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” the better. Mary Christmas, PGers!
YULETIDE TIP: Instead of donating LGBT dollars to the Salvation Army this year, put a note in the little red kettle: “The Salvation Army’s homophobic! No donation from me, my family, my friends. MARY Christmas!”