Parting Glances: It’s that time again …

By |2010-01-21T09:00:00-05:00January 21st, 2010|Opinions|

If you ask me, the National Enquirer is once again doing America a great – and much needed – public and patriotic service this month by devoting several kiss-explicit pages to Who’s Gay & Who’s Not.
Kiss kiss: Courtney Love and Amanda de Cadenet. Kiss kiss: Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Kiss kiss: Tommy Lee and fellow rocker Dave Navarro! (Exclamation point added for emphasis by tabloid.)
Unfortunately, one Ferndale shopper passed out at the checkout counter while perusing NE while waiting in line. “I could have told her Anderson Cooper was gay,” said a rather blase, gay-friendly cashier. “But when she saw his picture on the cover she just blew it, if you’ll pardon the expression.”
Apparently the shopper, who was rushed to nearby Providence Hospital ER, is making a promising recovery after being given two Midols and being invited to join GOITER, a national support group for survivors of celebrities who come out publicly. (Getting Over It Together: Emergency Rescue)
“Poor thing,” said attending ER nurse Bruce-Allan Ratched, who sees several disillusioned-straight-woman cases weekly.
“She was fully disoriented when she arrived. Blue in the face. Kept mumbling over and over. First Sarah Palin on Fox News. Now Anderson Cooper. This has got to be some sort of demonic, culture-war plot.”
My own disappointment in perusing this week’s NE is bike-racing legend Lance Armstrong. (I’ve been told I peddle it about like him.) Purportedly he’s been “sexually linked” to Hollywood heart-throber Matthew McConaughey. (Who, curiously enough, I’m also said to resemble by many of my discerning, fully mature, ten-speed, shift-gears readers.)
But – as always – there’s a caveat to the Armstrong-hyphen-McConaughey, would-be homo hanky panky. Apparently Lance has really, truly been biking in bona fide approved lanes. He has three kids with an ex-wife and has a 6-month-old son with Anna Hansen, a current girlfriend.
Oh, God! Not Hugh Jackman. You’ve got to be kidding. Apparently Huge, er, Hugh was seen kissing a male costar on stage “during every performance” of “The Boy From Oz.” Another caveat! He’s married to Australian actress Deborra-Lee Furness.
They have a young son named Oscar. (No comment.) By the way, Hugh’s bare-chest photo on page 20 is stunning. (I looked like that – give or take a few unaccented abs – when I was his age. 41. Sit ups, anyone?)
Says handsome Hugh about being family, “I’d be happy to go and deny it, because I am not. But by denying it, I’m saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn’t anything shameful.” (Thanks, Hugh. You’re a good sport. Hey, for what it’s worth, I’m available for a little down-under, outback, Jackaroo-me goodwill.)
Then there’s Kevin Spacey. God only knows what he’s depicted doing in his photo – with an inverted traffic sign to boot, and – you guessed it – an exclamation point – covering his “butt bongo.” At 50, he looks bleary eyed. Gossip: he was mugged last year in a London park at 4 a.m. “known for homosexual encounters.”
I don’t suppose there’s anybody of even dimwitted gaydar functioning who doesn’t know that Adam Lambert’s gay. So why bother? But of the nine couples featured kissing, Lambert’s blow-my-hair-back-honey smooch of an unidentified partner is vacuum-dryer hot.
And, in case any BTL lipstickers are interested, Cher – a remarkably reworked 63 – who’s had past same-sex flings “but weren’t something that kept my interest” – says she wouldn’t rule out a lesbian relationship in the future, now that Chastity’s become chunky Chaz.
In closing: same-age Barry Manilow says he “hasn’t publicly dated in years.” Anybody ready for a Copacabana comeback? (Take two Midols or call Nurse Ratched collect.)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander