Parting Glances: Tidbits from Tan-Tam Tammy

Charles Alexander
By | 2018-03-21T14:56:56+00:00 March 21st, 2018|Opinions, Parting Glances|
Charles Alexander

In 1987 some 165,000 people pledged $1,000 to Muskegon-born Jim Bakker’s Heritage USA, a Bible-themed vacation and so-called recreation village.
For their ready cash, each attendee was promised a four-day stay and a down-home gospel good time. They got nothing, and being good Christians, they sued. According to Christianity Today, a settlement was eventually reached in 2003, 16 years later. It entitled each claimant to a court-ordered token refund of $6.54.
(Attorneys got $2.5 million of the $3.7 million settlement – which in this world of commission by omission is how things often go for the gullible; no matter how bless’d they may lay claim to being.
And it cost $200,000 of the settlement to track the claimants.)
Bakker, 78, who’s presently back as a fundamentalist TV preacher — respected, one presumes by the 81 percent of evangelicals who voted for Donald John Trump as president — was married in the ’80s to Tammy Faye, much beloved, “Queen of Mascara” by the nascent rainbow drag-bingo community.
Those who don’t know the almost forgotten details of what happened may nonetheless profit morally from learning that in 1989 Jim Bakker got 45 years in the slammer for cheating the faithful — and using some of their hard-earned cash to air-condition his family doghouse.
He was released after five years of state-mandated, un-airconditioned meditation and is presently now back and hitting the hallelujah trail — a great deal grayer, a damn sight poorer (so far), but still eager to sell real estate in that Glorious Theme Park-in-the-Sky. All tax-free.
Ex-wife Tammy Faye – who single-handedly made mascara-embossed tears a mainstay for TV Mary Magdalenes — died in 2007. The Holy Spirit — apparently with nothing better to do socially — moved her to dump Jimmy and to marry someone with more inspirational wherewithal (read not rumored to be bisexual).
Tammy Faye became Mrs. Roe Messner and lived reasonably happily as a mint julep in Charlotte, North Carolina, with her born-again hubby, born-again puppies Muffin and Tuppins, born-again tabby-cattums Tinkerbell and unlimited access to squeaky toys, rawhide chews and Tender Vittles.
In between guest appearances on “The Hollywood Squares,” Tammy’s church work, her duties as Roe’s bubbly soul mate and her role as starry-orb’d makeup queen to all God’s kith and kin, she somehow found time to reflect upon her once-waffled Bakker domestic life and write, “I Will Survive … And You Will, Too!”
I would be intellectually — and, maybe, just spiritually remiss if I failed to offer BTL readers tasty tidbits from Tammy’s homespun, tug-at-your-hearts, 285-page cornucopia of self-help advice, glamour tips and low-cal cooking formulas. After all, she was very gay friendly.
For starters, this book promo: “Tammy Faye is known for many things, including her steadfast faith, the scandal that rocked a nation, and those oh-so-famous eyelashes. But above all, she is a survivor. No matter how often life has tried to push her down, Tammy Faye has always landed on her high heels.”
Tammy Tidbit #1: “Don’t give up! Moses was a basket case.”/ “When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum!” /”God answers knee-mail.” [Kneepads are a fashion optional.]
Tidbit #2: “Tan fat looks better than white fat. Ooops! Didn’t mean to put that one in.” [But you did, Tan-Tam, you did!]
Tidbit #3: “Most of the gays I meet say they were born that way. They’re not flip about it. They are dead serious. They discuss with me their fears, their hopes, their dreams. We talk about God, about heaven and hell. They allow me to ask questions … to disagree with them, because they know I’m not out to hurt them but am talking to them in love. God leads in peace!”
Oh, yes. I just bought an autographed copy of Tammy’s book. It cost me $6.54. (Eyelashes included.)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander