Parting Glances: Wonder bread corners

By |2009-04-09T09:00:00-04:00April 9th, 2009|Uncategorized|

I was amazed to read in Free Inquiry, a magazine for humanists and skeptics, that Mel Gibson’s hands were used in the crucifixion scene for the “Passion of Christ,” making Mel, among other curious things, a two-fisted nail technician.
His snuff film grossed $300 million before the DVD release, and that ain’t nuthin’ to sneeze at. Somebody had to get a Roman hand job; and why not God’s anointed? (Mel, I mean.)
This, too, set my discovery channel fluttering. For just $35 the Vicale Corp., manufacturer of action figures, markets a Playgirl handsome, GQ fashion-robed Jesus who rotes the Ten Commandments in 20 byte-sized seconds. His voice sounds like it may have been recorded in an abandoned Golan Heights wind tunnel.
PG Advisory: sandals and staff — and presumably silk undergarments — are not included. (For unsaved Kens & Barbies a few sessions of Hallelujah Hang Ten with dolldom’s smiling 12-inch godsend just might get them to mend their mini-skirting ways.)
“I don’t care if it rains or freezes, long as I’ve got my plastic Visas.”
Speaking of sandals, Shoes of the Fisherman, a toy manufacturer, sells beach clogs for juvenile clam diggers. The message left by tiny seashore tootsies is — right sandal — JESUS — left sandal — LOVES YOU. (Activists, fret ye not. Beach Bingo Butchwear is marketing GAY IS GOOD, LET’S DO BRUNCH, with Joan Crawford ankle straps.)
Available too from Fisherman Shoes is Baptism Bear (“curly white fur, with sea shells and waterdrops”). For tots of immersionist rather than sprinkle faiths, Baptism Bear may be safely dunked — three times — in bassinets for remission of sins committed against porridge-deprived, bed-bounced Goldilockses.
And, under the heading of how-many-angels-can-dance-on-a-pinhead, I found this meany-beany item on “An 8-year-old New Jersey girl who suffers from a rare digestive disorder and cannot eat wheat recently had her first Holy Communion declared invalid because the wafer contained no wheat, violating Church doctrine.
“This is not an issue to be determined at the diocesan or parish level,” said Trenton Bishop John M. Smith, “but has already been decided throughout the world by Vatican authority.” (“This is My body broken for you. Take, eat, Little Mary Sunshine — but only if made from whole wheat, B vitamin enriched bread batter.”)
Lastly, this ring-around-the-clerical-collar tidbit reported by Fortean Times: “Parents and young children in Glassport PA were horrified by an Easter show where the actors flogged the Easter Bunny [instead of the bishop] and smashed Easter eggs.
“The show, put on by an Assemblies of God Church, was offered as a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.” (Mel Gibson, recovering from egg-regious hand surgery, did not return BTL long distances calls for comment in Aramaic, Latin, or Tongues Unknown.)
A parting sermonette: Last year the World Bible Society spawned 21 million Bibles in 136 countries. (Hewing a helluva lotta trees.) American versions come formatted: magazines for teenagers, action-packed comics for kids, and hundreds of annotated special audience editions for adults — many with negative commentary about you-know-who.
And multiplying like a plague of dollar-sign locust are dozens of born-again rock groups, motorcycle clubs, Jesus Saves/You Pay TV talk shows, dating services (I’ve spammed six) T-shirts, crucifix earrings, John 3:16 tattoos, yo-yos, video games, Holy Land gimcracks, Left Behind books, paperback spinoffs on the Second Coming, the Rapture, the DaVinci Code, Armageddon, 666. Holy Moly! Gee Whiz! It’s one big religious Trivial Pursuit.
Just remember: God doesn’t play with loaded dice. (S/he doesn’t have to.)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander